Everything is a spectrum.

Gender. Sexuality. Transitioning. Hormone therapy. The color red. Shoe sizes. Actual feet sizes. My craving for chocolate. Knowledge. The universe? How much of a failure I feel like today. How much I love someone. Sometimes it’s better to not set a limit.

From Neutrois Nonsense.

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Marbles.

“It was really satisfying to draw that, to pin it down on paper like a butterfly and examine it; to externalize things that are so confusing if they stay inside. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a swimmer or because I just love the water, but I actually pictured that specifically, that I was feeling “unmoored.” I suppose it’s the flip side of depression’s feeling like drowning.”

2014-09-15-135_SweptAway2_Forney.jpg

See more of Ellen Forney’s images here.

And find her graphic novel depicting all types of bipolar-y things here.

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I take another Xanax and turn up the Dashboard Confessional because I’m on an airplane and there’s really nothing else I can do about my life at this point.

This article is amazing.

“I do an excellent job at acting like a functional human being. I feel slightly bitter that my coworkers don’t know how hard I’m working at being functional. I consider mailing them physical copies of documents covered with the stains of my tears, but this seems excessive. When I’m not hiding in the corner of my office crying, I am aggressively cheerful. People ask how I’m doing and I shriek “FINE!”, which seems like a fairly obvious signal to them that either I’m not fine or I’ve discovered meth (which is probably a distinct subcategory of “not fine,” now that I think about it, but fortunately for everyone involved, I’m not cool enough to know where to get meth).”

Been there.

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We fight for the us.

“The root of a lot of my stress is that I’m naturally an extroverted person living an introverted life. An extrovert isn’t just a “people person” who is the life of the party (I’d often rather hang back in large groups); an extrovert is someone who processes things by talking about them, not just by thinking about them. Yet I spend my day making little decision upon little decision, by myself at my computer in my living room…But what that means is that I sometimes feel like there are few people in the world who understand all the things that are on my mind. So it’s a little isolating. And when you’re feeling isolated, hurts are magnified.

Dang.  Talk about a punch in the gut.  I’m blown away by this blog post I just read and how it speaks to pretty much the exact situation/fight in which I keep finding myself.

“I had a right to be hurt, but I had to stop thinking about what was best for me and start thinking about what was best for us. It isn’t about what’s fair; it’s about what brings oneness.”

Us is more important. 

Hashtag.

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I know I’m borderline because…

I can pick a fight about anything.  No literally, anything.  I turn it into some huge hurtful action against meNo matter what.

Everyone loved your painting? That’s nice. I just…I don’t understand why you never paint a picture of me. Everyone knows I’m not important to you, just look at your work – I don’t inspire you. I wish I was an inspiring person, that I made you just have to take a photo or post a Facebook status or draw a picture. I’m sad you don’t feel that way; you deserve someone who makes you feel that way.

or

Everyone loved your painting? I bet that girl was there, wasn’t she? I’m sure she just loved it, like how she loved watching you paint it. What? I’m not there, it’s not fair. She gets to be there for all of your big moments and I’m not. Oh she wasn’t there? Still.  Art makes me think of her and what you did. I’m just hurt and sad.

or

Everyone loved your painting? I told you it was good but you don’t care what I think, you only care what other people think.  I’m not good enough for you, I never will be. I don’t understand art. You want someone who understands art, understands your weird brain. I’ll never be like that, and you’ll resent me, and you’ll meet someone who adores your work and gets it and wants it hanging in her bedroom, and you’ll be with her and not me.  Which is fine, but just break up with me now, okay? We shouldn’t be together.

I can ruin any moment.  Especially the happiest, goofiest, greatest ones. I’ll ruin those every time these days. It’s going on my resume under “Special Skills: absolutely sucks the life out of you just when you’re feeling good.” I’m like the Dementor of relationships.

That’s what those things are called, right?

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Your aura is pink.

Love, sincerity, affection and generosity are perfect words to describe you. Your pink aura indicates that you’ve achieved a perfect balance between your spiritual and material existence. You love to be surrounded by friends and family. You love to love and to be loved, while you hate conflicts and arguments. You take care of your body and spread a positive and healing energy to those around you. The pink aura is very rare, so is the person who has it. 

Gosh I hope this is true.

always personal

“You would think the upswing of being bipolar would be being manic. It should be great–you need less sleep, you’re very productive, you have lots of ideas and feel like you can do just about anything. That’s all true. But then there’s the racing thoughts that are ALWAYS in your head. The med changes that bring on weight change. The spending money you don’t really have. The nonstop talking. Taking everything personally. And my favorites: anger & rage.”

Oh those lovely manic days!.

How can I help myself if I have borderline personality disorder?

“Taking that first step to help yourself may be hard. It is important to realize that, although it may take some time, you can get better with treatment.”

To help yourself:

  • Talk to your doctor about treatment options and stick with treatment
  • Try to maintain a stable schedule of meals and sleep times
  • Engage in mild activity or exercise to help reduce stress
  • Set realistic goals for yourself
  • Break up large tasks into small ones, set some priorities, and do what you can, as you can
  • Try to spend time with other people and confide in a trusted friend or family member
  • Tell others about events or situations that may trigger symptoms
  • Expect your symptoms to improve gradually, not immediately
  • Identify and seek out comforting situations, places, and people
  • Continue to educate yourself about this disorder.”

From the NIMH.

Looks like I have some work to do! Even if I’m not full-blown BPD, I have enough borderline traits that, as a good friend said today, something needs to happen.  Something has to change, because without getting myself together I’m changing my whole life for the worse.  By doing nothing I’m doing everything.  Time to take an active role in getting my life back to where I love it.

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whom.

Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?

truths.

“One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go – whether it’s guilt, anger, love or loss.  Change is never easy – you fight to hold on and you fight to let go.  But oftentimes letting go is the healthiest path forward.  It clears out toxic thoughts from the past.  You’ve got to emotionally free yourself from the things that once meant a lot to you, so you can move beyond the past and the pain it brings you.”

#truthbomb

“Cheating is a choice, not a mistake, and not an excuse!  If you decide to cheat, and you succeed in cheating someone out of something, don’t think that this person is a fool.  Realize that this person trusted you much more than you ever deserved.  Be bigger than that.  Don’t do immoral things simply because you can.  Don’t cheat.  Be honest with yourself and everyone else.  Do the right thing.  Integrity is the essence of everything successful.”

#truthbombtimestwo

From 12 Toxic Behaviors that Push People Away from You.

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