heys.

Maaaaaaaaaaaaay neeeeeeeeeeeeeee uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. 

on leaving people to save them

From PostSecret.com:

On the back she writes:

Oh, mama.  My heart breaks for you.  My heart breaks for all of us.  We give up so much for the people we love, often believing they can never love us back the way we need them to — and that loving us will break them.

I’ve done this.  I’ve left people and places that I love because I believed I was the toxic piece that didn’t fit.  I was always the problem, in my mind, you know? I’m the one that could never be happy.  I’m the one  that shuts you out and tries to hide her sadness so that you don’t have to feel it – but you’ve felt it, carried it, for me so much…

if you only knew how much more there is to carry, you’d leave. I know you would.  You should leave.  No but you won’t, will you?  You love me too much.  Well I love you too much to let you love me.  I’ll never be happy.  I’ll get sad again.  I’ll hurt you, hurt us.  I’ll make bad decisions and what if I get worse and I have so much baggage in my past that it’s just not fair to you.

We’ll never fight fairly.  You’re up against so much more than I am – you’re fighting my illness, you’re fighting my past.  And when you apologize, you’re having to say sorry for all those…those guys that never said sorry.  The ones that left me this way.  

I know how to leave.  I know how to protect.  I protected my self for ten years. Then I met you and I knew right then that I could breathe, I could stop fighting, stop protecting myself because you would protect me.  

But now….now I need to protect you.  So I’m going.  Because I’m holding you back, I’m keeping you from growing, or at least I will be soon.  I’m scared to not know where you are, even for a minute, because of a man ten years ago that broke my heart.  You can’t win that battle, baby.  It’s not yours to fight, and neither is this one.  My bipolar is not yours to fight.  My depression, it’s not yours.  You’ve worked so very hard to love me, and your love is perfect.  

If I stay it won’t be perfect anymore.


So, mama.  Whomever you are, wherever you are.  Just because they’re better off without you doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t rather be better off with you. And all they want, I promise with everything I know, is for you to be the person you want to be.  Because that’s what was killing them.  You not knowing, not being, not feeling what you wanted, and knowing they couldn’t make it better for you.  They want you, better.  They don’t want to be better without you.

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Hypomania

So strugglingwithbipolar linked to an article about hypomania, which led me to this next article about handling hypomania without obliterating it with medication.  First of all, I really don’t like that this guy calls people with the illness “bipolars.”  It’s actually really dated to refer to anyone as their disorder, and the current shift to the recovery paradigm in mental health teaches us to respect ourselves way more than that.  Regardless, the post is interesting.  I was recently medicated for being in a hypomanic state, and I had only been that way for about a week.  I told my doctor I felt “crazy” and that I couldn’t control my emotions, but I’m not sure I was truly on the track to mania.  Was it better to be safe than sorry? Will I permanently be on a higher dose of medication without actually seeing if I could have de-escalated on my own?  I guess I’d rather be here than in a hospital, but I have a great deal of clinical support in place – the hypomanic part of me really wants to see where it would have gone this time.

Which is why I blog.  To see just how textbook I am. ;) I told you I miss the mania.

Okay, whew, distracted.  Here is the article about hypomania. What do you think?  Can “Four Secrets” teach us to reign in hypomania and use it to our advantage? Is it worth a try?

PS: I think reducing it to four steps is like calling us “bipolars.” 

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Originally posted on Thoughts on Theatre:

I’m pretty sure all successful people have this one thing in common: they never give up. This visionary choreographer gives her take on why.

“Some men have thousands of reasons why they cannot do what they want to, when all they need is one reason why they can. ”
– Martha Graham 

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if I could be different

If i could be different, i wouldn’t be so accessible.
i would remember what makes me solid
and not disperse
and lose my pieces.

from http://aproprose.wordpress.com/

naming the emotion

I just posted a comment on Jaen Wirefly’s blog and I thought maybe I’d post it here to remind myself and share the skill with others that may not know it.  Jaen is a smart cookie so I’m not saying anything she doesn’t already know, but I know from experience that being a social worker means we learn an incredible amount of skills and it’s impossible to remember them all the time.  Espesh when we live with emotional dysregulation ourselves.  Anyway, here’s my comment:

“One of the things we can learn to do is name our emotions – we tend to only think of things as “ANGRY” or “devastated :( ” or “SO HAPPY :D ” so we think we have a smaller range of emotions. But learning to define our emotions with other names and to distinguish between them, to learn that while we are experiencing SO ANGRY we can also experience other emotions, helps us to let them go and/or respond to them more appropriately. Just a thought!

http://www.listofhumanemotions.com/listofhumanemotions

A brilliant professor of mine said we can learn to see our emotions as if on a ticker tape (does anyone even know what that is anymore, ha) – we can view it separate from our bodies, watch it go by, watch it leave…which then gives us room to see what comes next on that ticker tape.  To experience the next emotion…to let go of the one that makes us feel so out of control.

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it says five hours

Note to self and everyone else:

People with manic tendencies should probably not drink 5-hour energy drinks.  I can’t stop buying things online (OH THAT IS SO PRETTY I MUST HAVE) and I’m laughing and crying at the same time.  This is like twenty minutes into the drink….

…a little frightening.  Anyone else have experience with this?? (Probs should have asked first, huh).

 

OOOOH IT TASTES LIKE BERRIES.

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the versatile blogger award

Thank you so much to blue lily storm for nominating this blog for the Versatile Blogger Award! If you haven’t yet checked out her blog go read it right now – she’s pretty incredible herself and just received noms for both the Very Inspiring Blogger and the Versatile Blogger awards.  She’s definitely deserving of both.

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So, the rules: first I will share with you fifteen of my favorite blogs and nominate them for the award as well, and secondly I will tell you seven things about me.  Only I’m going to tell you the seven things, first, because I do things backwards sometimes.

I believe anyone can change any behavior he or she wishes to change; I don’t believe in an unbreakable habit.

I believe in women’s health, reproductive rights, informed consent, time-unlimited therapy coverage, and that we need more men in the feminist movements of today.

I love school.

In real life I abbrev every word that can be shortened and I give everyone I know a nickname. Frilz, I’m totes serious. Don’t judge me.

People tell me I should quit academics and go to art school.  Some days I agree with them.

I am living in recovery from anorexia nervosa.

I learn more from my clients than I could possibly teach them.

.

So here, in no particular order, are my favorite blogs – versatile, challenging, inspiring…enjoy.

Vague Recall

shajenjoyaziz

Lautopolis

Known is a Drop, Unknown is an Ocean

Thoughts on Theatre

Faithandmeow

untitled

ahaikupoet

vividreality

Laments and Lullabies

Check out the real rules at the Versatile Blogger Award wordpress

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Originally posted on Known is a drop, Unknown is an Ocean:

A Hindu saint who was visiting river Ganges to take bath found a group of family members on the banks, shouting in anger at each other. He turned to his disciples smiled and asked.

‘Why do people shout in anger shout at each other?’

Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, ‘Because we lose our calm, we shout.’

‘But, why should you shout when the other person is just next to you? You can as well tell him what you have to say in a soft manner.’ asked the saint

Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the other disciples.
Finally the saint explained, .

‘When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other…

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Hey, mindfulness!! What are you mindful of today, in this moment?

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