always personal

“You would think the upswing of being bipolar would be being manic. It should be great–you need less sleep, you’re very productive, you have lots of ideas and feel like you can do just about anything. That’s all true. But then there’s the racing thoughts that are ALWAYS in your head. The med changes that bring on weight change. The spending money you don’t really have. The nonstop talking. Taking everything personally. And my favorites: anger & rage.”

Oh those lovely manic days!.

How can I help myself if I have borderline personality disorder?

“Taking that first step to help yourself may be hard. It is important to realize that, although it may take some time, you can get better with treatment.”

To help yourself:

  • Talk to your doctor about treatment options and stick with treatment
  • Try to maintain a stable schedule of meals and sleep times
  • Engage in mild activity or exercise to help reduce stress
  • Set realistic goals for yourself
  • Break up large tasks into small ones, set some priorities, and do what you can, as you can
  • Try to spend time with other people and confide in a trusted friend or family member
  • Tell others about events or situations that may trigger symptoms
  • Expect your symptoms to improve gradually, not immediately
  • Identify and seek out comforting situations, places, and people
  • Continue to educate yourself about this disorder.”

From the NIMH.

Looks like I have some work to do! Even if I’m not full-blown BPD, I have enough borderline traits that, as a good friend said today, something needs to happen.  Something has to change, because without getting myself together I’m changing my whole life for the worse.  By doing nothing I’m doing everything.  Time to take an active role in getting my life back to where I love it.


Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?


“One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go – whether it’s guilt, anger, love or loss.  Change is never easy – you fight to hold on and you fight to let go.  But oftentimes letting go is the healthiest path forward.  It clears out toxic thoughts from the past.  You’ve got to emotionally free yourself from the things that once meant a lot to you, so you can move beyond the past and the pain it brings you.”



“Cheating is a choice, not a mistake, and not an excuse!  If you decide to cheat, and you succeed in cheating someone out of something, don’t think that this person is a fool.  Realize that this person trusted you much more than you ever deserved.  Be bigger than that.  Don’t do immoral things simply because you can.  Don’t cheat.  Be honest with yourself and everyone else.  Do the right thing.  Integrity is the essence of everything successful.”



From 12 Toxic Behaviors that Push People Away from You

They’re even spelled the same.

BPD.  What does it mean to you?  Depending on your own personal experiences the acronym (in the context of mental health work, obviously) probably brings up one of two things: bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder.  I used to think we only used “BPD” to describe borderline patients, but I’ve seen it used many times to reflect the mood disorder as well.  Which is interesting, because the two are often inextricably linked, and developing an accurate diagnosis of one or the other takes careful and measured observation over a long period of time.

I believe I have BPD in addition to my BPD.  Borderline.  The “bad” one. Everyone tells me I don’t, but it’s one of my greatest fears – that I’m “borderline” and don’t know it.  That I’m borderline and can’t get help.  That I’m borderline and I’ll always be this way, this dysregulated, crazy person that has to work SO hard to be normal and that meds don’t touch.  I mean, meds work for me, they do.  But my mood cycles are still beyond anything categorized by the DSMs. I still work my ass off daily to try to function within my relationships.  And so here it is. I’m probably borderline.

Read about the difference between bipolar II and BPD here and here and see why I’m so certain I’ve got a personality disorder.

Alas, love and fidelity are like a dream, an hour before daybreak.

“To be sure, I appear at times merry and in good heart, talk, too, before others quite reasonably, and it looks as if I felt, too, God knows how well within my skin. Yet, the soul maintains its deathly sleep and the heart bleeds from a thousand wounds.”

-Hugo Wolf

(Title lyric from “An hour before daybreak” by Hugo Wolf). 

that we would dream about dying and wake up screaming.

“I watched my breath turning solid in the cold, and I looked up at all those little lights in the sky, and I made a wish for me and my friends: I wished that we would always be terrified of death, every last one of us, that we would spend the rest of our lives running from it, that we would dream about dying and wake up screaming, that we would be pathological in our fears—scared of heights, scared of bullets, scared of trains. Oh, spare us, I remember thinking. Spare us, please spare us, because there are so many ways to die.”

hungry wolves howling in the night

“But I’ve learned that if you’re truly happy, you don’t need to convince yourself that you are. You can’t employ logic or relative calculus to make yourself happy. You’re either happy or you’re not.”

From Chris Jones on Suicide. Read it, I promise it’s worth it. 



Maaaaaaaaaaaaay neeeeeeeeeeeeeee uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. 

on leaving people to save them


On the back she writes:

Oh, mama.  My heart breaks for you.  My heart breaks for all of us.  We give up so much for the people we love, often believing they can never love us back the way we need them to — and that loving us will break them.

I’ve done this.  I’ve left people and places that I love because I believed I was the toxic piece that didn’t fit.  I was always the problem, in my mind, you know? I’m the one that could never be happy.  I’m the one  that shuts you out and tries to hide her sadness so that you don’t have to feel it – but you’ve felt it, carried it, for me so much…

if you only knew how much more there is to carry, you’d leave. I know you would.  You should leave.  No but you won’t, will you?  You love me too much.  Well I love you too much to let you love me.  I’ll never be happy.  I’ll get sad again.  I’ll hurt you, hurt us.  I’ll make bad decisions and what if I get worse and I have so much baggage in my past that it’s just not fair to you.

We’ll never fight fairly.  You’re up against so much more than I am – you’re fighting my illness, you’re fighting my past.  And when you apologize, you’re having to say sorry for all those…those guys that never said sorry.  The ones that left me this way.  

I know how to leave.  I know how to protect.  I protected my self for ten years. Then I met you and I knew right then that I could breathe, I could stop fighting, stop protecting myself because you would protect me.  

But now….now I need to protect you.  So I’m going.  Because I’m holding you back, I’m keeping you from growing, or at least I will be soon.  I’m scared to not know where you are, even for a minute, because of a man ten years ago that broke my heart.  You can’t win that battle, baby.  It’s not yours to fight, and neither is this one.  My bipolar is not yours to fight.  My depression, it’s not yours.  You’ve worked so very hard to love me, and your love is perfect.  

If I stay it won’t be perfect anymore.

So, mama.  Whomever you are, wherever you are.  Just because they’re better off without you doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t rather be better off with you. And all they want, I promise with everything I know, is for you to be the person you want to be.  Because that’s what was killing them.  You not knowing, not being, not feeling what you wanted, and knowing they couldn’t make it better for you.  They want you, better.  They don’t want to be better without you.

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