never gets old.

Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.
Oh, but God, I want to let it go.

Don’t want to let it lay me down this time.
Drown my will to fly.
Here in the darkness I know myself.
Can’t break free until I let it go.
Let me go.

Darling, I forgive you… After all,
Anything is better than to be alone.
And in the end I guess I had to fall.
Always find my place among the ashes.

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Lucy.

Sometimes when you’ve made so many wrong decisions that you’d rather kill yourself than live one more minute being unable to change the past.

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yes yes yes.

“Do you ever struggle to ID your emotions?

I don’t want CBT strategies right now, I just want someone to tell me what mood I’m in from time to time.”

From the Blahpolar Diaries.

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research.

Researchers at the University of Michigan School of Public Health and Medical School have teamed with the University of Southern California and the Broad Institute of Harvard and MIT for a four-year, $16 million study to better understanding bipolar disorder and schizophrenia.

It is the largest study of its kind funded to date, and the National Institute of Mental Health will provide the funding.

U-M will work with the partnering institutions to study the genetic material of 10,000 people of European, Hispanic and African-American descent. Researchers will study whole genome sequencing, where they will read all 3 billion pairs of DNA in each subject.

“We hope to gain a better understanding of these diseases that directly affect 1 percent of the population, but impact countless friends and relatives,” Michael Boehnke, principal investigator and director of the Center for Statistical Genetics, said in a statement.

“From what we learn, we hope we can identify better targets for drug development or better targets for the drugs we now have. We also could imagine improving our ability to predict who might get these diseases.”

Boehnke said the collaboration builds on previous research by these same investigators. They worked together on a smaller genome sequencing project, and each has a specific role in the work that begins this month.

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes mood shifts, and dramatic ups and downs in energy and activity level.

Schizophrenia is also a brain disorder that can cause people to have irrational fears, and other reports suggest that people who suffer from this disease have the feeling that people are reading their minds, controlling their thoughts or plotting against them.

There is clinical and genetic evidence of overlap of these illnesses, researchers say, which is cause for emphasizing the importance of a combined genetic analysis.

Symptoms of these disorders impact personal, social and vocational capabilities due to ongoing and fluctuating symptoms. Researchers say that suicide occurs in as many as 20 percent of cases.

Both conditions can be genetic and are thought to result from interactions between biological and environmental factors.”

Original article published on mLive.

Read a similar news release from USC’s Keck School of Medicine here.

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Everything is a spectrum.

Gender. Sexuality. Transitioning. Hormone therapy. The color red. Shoe sizes. Actual feet sizes. My craving for chocolate. Knowledge. The universe? How much of a failure I feel like today. How much I love someone. Sometimes it’s better to not set a limit.

From Neutrois Nonsense.

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Marbles.

“It was really satisfying to draw that, to pin it down on paper like a butterfly and examine it; to externalize things that are so confusing if they stay inside. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a swimmer or because I just love the water, but I actually pictured that specifically, that I was feeling “unmoored.” I suppose it’s the flip side of depression’s feeling like drowning.”

2014-09-15-135_SweptAway2_Forney.jpg

See more of Ellen Forney’s images here.

And find her graphic novel depicting all types of bipolar-y things here.

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I take another Xanax and turn up the Dashboard Confessional because I’m on an airplane and there’s really nothing else I can do about my life at this point.

This article is amazing.

“I do an excellent job at acting like a functional human being. I feel slightly bitter that my coworkers don’t know how hard I’m working at being functional. I consider mailing them physical copies of documents covered with the stains of my tears, but this seems excessive. When I’m not hiding in the corner of my office crying, I am aggressively cheerful. People ask how I’m doing and I shriek “FINE!”, which seems like a fairly obvious signal to them that either I’m not fine or I’ve discovered meth (which is probably a distinct subcategory of “not fine,” now that I think about it, but fortunately for everyone involved, I’m not cool enough to know where to get meth).”

Been there.

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We fight for the us.

“The root of a lot of my stress is that I’m naturally an extroverted person living an introverted life. An extrovert isn’t just a “people person” who is the life of the party (I’d often rather hang back in large groups); an extrovert is someone who processes things by talking about them, not just by thinking about them. Yet I spend my day making little decision upon little decision, by myself at my computer in my living room…But what that means is that I sometimes feel like there are few people in the world who understand all the things that are on my mind. So it’s a little isolating. And when you’re feeling isolated, hurts are magnified.

Dang.  Talk about a punch in the gut.  I’m blown away by this blog post I just read and how it speaks to pretty much the exact situation/fight in which I keep finding myself.

“I had a right to be hurt, but I had to stop thinking about what was best for me and start thinking about what was best for us. It isn’t about what’s fair; it’s about what brings oneness.”

Us is more important. 

Hashtag.

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I know I’m borderline because…

I can pick a fight about anything.  No literally, anything.  I turn it into some huge hurtful action against meNo matter what.

Everyone loved your painting? That’s nice. I just…I don’t understand why you never paint a picture of me. Everyone knows I’m not important to you, just look at your work – I don’t inspire you. I wish I was an inspiring person, that I made you just have to take a photo or post a Facebook status or draw a picture. I’m sad you don’t feel that way; you deserve someone who makes you feel that way.

or

Everyone loved your painting? I bet that girl was there, wasn’t she? I’m sure she just loved it, like how she loved watching you paint it. What? I’m not there, it’s not fair. She gets to be there for all of your big moments and I’m not. Oh she wasn’t there? Still.  Art makes me think of her and what you did. I’m just hurt and sad.

or

Everyone loved your painting? I told you it was good but you don’t care what I think, you only care what other people think.  I’m not good enough for you, I never will be. I don’t understand art. You want someone who understands art, understands your weird brain. I’ll never be like that, and you’ll resent me, and you’ll meet someone who adores your work and gets it and wants it hanging in her bedroom, and you’ll be with her and not me.  Which is fine, but just break up with me now, okay? We shouldn’t be together.

I can ruin any moment.  Especially the happiest, goofiest, greatest ones. I’ll ruin those every time these days. It’s going on my resume under “Special Skills: absolutely sucks the life out of you just when you’re feeling good.” I’m like the Dementor of relationships.

That’s what those things are called, right?

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Your aura is pink.

Love, sincerity, affection and generosity are perfect words to describe you. Your pink aura indicates that you’ve achieved a perfect balance between your spiritual and material existence. You love to be surrounded by friends and family. You love to love and to be loved, while you hate conflicts and arguments. You take care of your body and spread a positive and healing energy to those around you. The pink aura is very rare, so is the person who has it. 

Gosh I hope this is true.

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