just a dull ache

Constant. Chronic. A dull, dull ache in my chest. In my heart. In my stomach.

So tired of crying over you.

So tired of loving you.

So tired of you loving me back but choosing a different life.

_____

There is not a soul in this world that would not be fine without me.

Tough pill to swallow.

I am no one’s person.

I would have thought I was, to several people, but everyone chooses a different life. One without me. Every single person.

_____

I’m honestly not sure how you can walk away and say you’d be upset if something happened to me. That doesn’t make sense. How would it actually affect you if you have chosen to walk away when I’m alive?

I don’t understand.

Every. Single. Person.

_____

A dull, dull ache that stabs sometimes. Constant. Chronic.

Overwhelming.

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stressors

I felt good because my environment felt good. Air conditioning, dishwasher, laundry. People who have stuck around. Family. My favorite foods.

So it’s fair to say, part (or most) of why I’ve been feeling so down prior to this weekend is because my environment felt so awful. Too hot to dry my hair, or do anything really. Washing clothes is so much trouble and they never feel clean. God what I wouldn’t give to run my dishes through a dishwasher just once.

It’s nice to think that maybe life wasn’t all that terrible, and I wasn’t all that terrible, but that my environment just wore me down a bit.

Busy is good. If I were different and were avoiding thinking by being busy, that’d be one thing. But I ruminate. It should be listed on my special skills. I obsess.

Busy means I don’t have time to obsess.

Not even over his concert or his night in NYC or his Tinder dates. Not even that could bring me down this week.

Doc says to shave some Seroquel and take it tonight.

Probs a good idea.

I just wanna dry my hair more often. (Who would have thought behavioral therapy should include a hair dryer?)

 

 

oh wait

Little do you know
How I’m breaking while you fall asleep
Little do you know
I’m still haunted by the memories
Little do you know
I’m trying to pick myself up piece by piece

Little do you know
I need a little more time

Underneath it all I’m held captive by the hole inside
I’ve been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind
I’m ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight

Little do you know
I need a little more time

I’ll wait, I’ll wait
I love you like you’ve never felt the pain,
I’ll wait
I promise you don’t have to be afraid,
I’ll wait
The love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me

Little do you know
I know you’re hurting while I’m sound asleep
Little do you know
All my mistakes are slowly drowning me
Little do you know
I’m trying to make it better piece by piece

Little do you know
I, I love you ’til the sun dies

Oh wait, just wait
I love you like I’ve never felt the pain,
Just wait
I love you like I’ve never been afraid,
Just wait
Our love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me

I’ll wait , I’ll wait
I love you like you’ve never felt the pain,
I’ll wait
I promise you don’t have to be afraid,
I’ll wait
The love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me
Lay your head on me
So lay your head on me

‘Cause little do you know
I, I love you ’til the sun dies

_______________________________
It just never stops. Hurting.
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all the hits

just keep coming.

Grateful for you guys. You’re all here even when everyone else goes back to their wives.

(Not an indictment of those men. And yes, multiple. It’s fine. I’ll always be here for them, too. Because (a) I’m a shitty person and (b) it’s what I do. I will continue to collect hurt souls and then learn to let them go except for sometimes.)

okay never lasts long

Damnit.

upswinging

It’s funny, people asking me if I’m okay now that I finally feel okay.

One of my very best friends has found the love of his life. Or so he thinks. He also found Jesus. A few months ago, he found Jesus. After wanting to be a Youth Pastor when he was in college, to going to seminary, to realizing God is fucked up and church is fucked up and people in church are fucked up. Then a staunch atheist for a long long time. Then a quiet atheist. Then, Jesus.

But I haven’t seen Jesus in awhile, only his new girlfriend. Almost fiance. After a few weeks, he has bought the ring.

You’re an addict, dude. You’re addicted to something, always. To drugs, or alcohol, or me, or work, or Jesus, or her. I guess it’s not okay to say that, at least not before I’ve met her and not before he asks and not over text message.

I spend too much time thinking about loss. So many friends gone this year, but the choosing kind of gone. I know I’ve said it before. It’s just always there, the holes, and more added every day it seems like. It’s okay. I have new friends, or old friends who have stuck around, and I try to focus on them. I try to remember the holes I’ve left in other people’s lives. Try to convince myself I mattered to someone as much as these people matter to me.

I don’t even know her last name. Did she keep hers? Add his? Take his only?

She said Happy Birthday and some other kind and thoughtful things. I didn’t respond. What would I even say? What could I even want from her? And do I risk responding only to find that her message was just…a thing, and not an attempt to get me back.

I feel okay. It’s pretty cool. Of course I anticipate the upswing to keep going straight on to mania, but for now it’s awesome, and welcome.

Thanks, beach time last week! You put me on the right track.

 

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start with the dishes.

This has already changed my life. I can tell.

 

6 Insanely Popular Ways to Waste a Life

 

 

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can I do this again?

“Being beautiful is more than how many people you can get to look at you, or how others perceive you at a single glance.  It’s about what you live for.  It’s about what defines you.  It’s about the depth of your heart, and what makes you unique.  It’s about being who you are and living out your life honestly.  It’s about those little quirks that make you, you.  People who are only attracted to you because of your pretty face or nice body won’t stay by your side forever.  But the people who can see how beautiful your heart is will never leave you.”

 

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hypomania some more

Tired of living in this state.

So high. So irritated. So depressed. So angry.

Biggest week of the year. Missing the players from last year. Fantasizing she shows up. Avoiding him with all the willpower I can muster.

Do I walk funny?

 

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crash.

Why do the drivers survive?

Please don’t let that be me. If people are killed in my car, please don’t let me make it.

Don’t crash!

There are five seats. 

Every (dead) body has a story. 

Over and over this morning little words are piercing my inner ear like daggers.

Why do the drivers survive?

Why does this always happen this time of year?

Just get to the end of the semester, guys. Please don’t die.

So afraid.

 

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