crash.

Why do the drivers survive?

Please don’t let that be me. If people are killed in my car, please don’t let me make it.

Don’t crash!

There are five seats. 

Every (dead) body has a story. 

Over and over this morning little words are piercing my inner ear like daggers.

Why do the drivers survive?

Why does this always happen this time of year?

Just get to the end of the semester, guys. Please don’t die.

So afraid.

 

When the music dies and other such signs of depression

Repost from Dr. Psych Mom.

Lesser Known Signs of Depression: Can You Feel The Music? 

by Samantha Rodman (4.7.2016)

Many times, I work with clients who tell me that they aren’t depressed, and therefore won’t try medication or in any other way augment our work together, or even come into my office often enough to give me a true shot to help.  There are so many reasons that it is helpful to know that you’re depressed, including:

  • If you know you’re depressed, you realize you may be seeing things as more negative than they are
  • If you know you’re depressed, you realize the “problem” may not be your job, husband, kids, friends, etc, but that you are depressed and see everything as a problem
  • If you know you’re depressed, you may seriously reorganize your life, prioritize exercise, health, personal time, and so forth

But many people can look at the criteria for Major Depressive Disorder and not know if their symptoms exactly qualify.  So here is a list of some other “symptoms” of depression that you won’t see in a diagnostic manual, but that may resonate more with you.

  1. Music affects you differently.  You can’t listen to sad songs anymore because they make you cry, or you can’t listen to upbeat music because you find it boring.  Or else you have no desire to listen to music at all, even though you used to love it.
  2. You’re not as generous anymore.  You used to care about people’s troubles more, or you used to donate to charity.  Now you find yourself unmoved by the whole idea of charity or giving your precious spare time to listen to or to help your friends and family.  You’re looking out for number one.
  3. You don’t feel refreshed after sleeping.  You can sleep 12 hours and you still don’t wake up with a bounce in your step.  Or you can have a luxurious afternoon nap, and instead of it feeling luxurious, you feel like you were hit by a truck when you wake up.
  4. You don’t find things as funny.  You can’t remember the last time you laughed till tears came, or couldn’t restrain yourself from laughing.  If you watch a movie you used to find hilarious, you think it’s kind of stupid and you don’t remember why you even liked it so much.
  5. You are irritable.  This, along with anger, is actually a diagnostic criterion for depression, but it’s usually not one most people are aware of.  If everything your spouse does annoys you, and work seems to be filled with idiots, and your kids seem spoiled and ungrateful much of the time, this may be a red flag.
  6. Your relationship changes with food.  For many, food loses its appeal, and nothing tastes that awesome.  For others, food becomes the only bright spot in their day, and it is something to fantasize about.  Usually people with the latter extreme are suffering from atypical depression.
  7. Your body hurts.  Your back, joints, neck, or head hurts all the time, or your stomach is always unsettled.  You constantly feel, or state aloud, that you don’t feel well.  You’re almost relieved when you actually have a cold or even the flu, because finally there seems to be an actual reason that you always feel kind of sick.
  8. Your creativity tanks.  Some people are creative with crafts, others with cooking, others with cracking jokes, others with planning surprise day trips for their family.  Whatever your typical outlet is, it feels like your creative juices have dried up, and you can’t understand how you used to be filled with inspiration.
  9. You don’t feel romantic.  Many people with lower sex drives, like women with small kids, are used to feeling less easily aroused than they used to be.  But this is different.  Now, you don’t understand the need or reason for romance either, when you used to love it. Your husband finally brings home flowers and you don’t care.  Or your wife looks objectively nice and you can’t bring yourself to care or comment.
  10. Your kids aren’t cute anymore.  Well, they are objectively, you guess, but they don’t strike that same chord in your heart.  Or you may be a new mom and your baby strikes no chord in your heart, besides annoyance or anxiety.  If your kids don’t tug at your heartstrings, this is a sign something is wrong, and it’s usually not your deep fear that you’re actually just a cold person and parent.
  11. You give up on aspects of your life and your identity that used to be important to you.  Maybe you were always into fitness, but now you think spending your limited time exercising is dumb.  Or you used to entertain, and now it seems like too much work to clean and shop to host people you wouldn’t even really want to talk to.

My dad learned that his reading slows dramatically when he starts to get depressed – when the number of books that he flies through suddenly decreases in a week, he makes an appointment to see his therapist.

For me, it’s my friends that first point out that I’m “up” – the “when was the last time you ate?” question never stops, but it turns to “so for the past three days you’ve said you hadn’t slept last night…” or “wow you’re speaking quickly this morning!” or “so….when was the last time you took your meds?”

What are your personal signs that you may be sliding into a depression (or into mania)?

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can I get a redo?

My experience with psychotherapy supports the findings that we can “rewire our brains.” In cognitive therapy, I learned to stop negative thoughts and suicidal ideation, rewrite those thoughts and replace them with more accurate ones. In therapy I’ve learned to reframe my life experiences as meaningful – as preparing me to be a better mother, wife, and daughter, […]

via Bipolar Disorder and Neurocounseling — Kitt O’Malley

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walking

“it’s days like this i wish to be walking with his arms around me through the city streets feeling like i have love, not seeking or letting go or learning lessons or being content without.”

 

This is exactly what I was thinking this morning as I walked to work. It’s frozen here, and the Chrysler building is perfect, and I loved my first patient. And this is exactly what I was thinking.

(From romantic tuesday wakeup).

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ready for love

When I was married, I thought I was amazing. I mean, I was manic or hypomanic much of the time, so obviously I was amazing. But it’s more than that. I had men everywhere. Falling over themselves to be with me. If only I were single, they’d say. I’d say. If only. I had 3 proposals between the time I got engaged and the day I got married.

I thought I was amazing.

Then I left, thinking I’d be amazing forever.

And I realized, the only men that wanted me were men who would go after a married woman. I mean, yes, it was me they were after and sure, they might have wanted me if I were single. But I wasn’t single, and they still tried.

I didn’t want a man like that. As I realized it, I disappointed them. I was disappointed.

They were placeholders, and I hate it. Some of them knew it; I was safe because I was unattainable and I don’t think it really hurt them to know I wasn’t interested anymore. Some of them just bowed out as I pulled away.

The thing is. I’m a placeholder now. And it sucks, because I know what happens to placeholders.

I feel different than the girl on the side, somehow. Maybe because I’m not getting all that much out of it?

My thesis one day will be about cheating and affairs, I’m sure of it.

Anyway.

I’ve been a placeholder so many times. Just now naming it. You know. I was your placeholder.

I’m just that good at lurking in the darkness. Keeping secrets, being the confidante. Hiding. What is it that makes me keep doing it? Why do I settle for this place? Is it even settling? It can’t be. Somehow I must be seeking it. But why?

So tired of the dark. I want to love in the daylight. I want to BE loved in the daylight. I want to be FRIENDS in the daylight. I spend way too much time censoring names out of my conversations. “My friend.” “This friend.” “This guy I know.” “Oh you don’t know him.”

So tired.

 

 

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God will never.

I remember when this blog was halfway professional, but now it seems to just be a place I can scream without judgment. Which is a good thing, but it also makes me feel like a failure.

“God will never send you another woman’s husband.”

I saw that quote a few weeks ago and it really struck me. I’m glad it’s stuck in my head. I said it out loud to a couple of people and they just looked at me like I was crazy. Like, duh. And of course it sounds logical and Captain Obvious and all that – it always does, until you’re in the situation. Then we try to backtrack and justify and say, “We’re meant to be, we’re perfect, he/she married the wrong person the first time, it was always supposed to be us.”

But that’s just not true. Even with all of the people I know who are still married to the men/women with whom they had the affair. I can’t believe that it’s right.

I do believe that if you knew yourself and trusted yourself that maybe you would have been single when you met your “true” love, but I also know that if you’d been single you probably wouldn’t have felt that euphoric sense of belonging/appreciation/relief that you felt with the new person. Kudos to you for making it last, though.

To the married man that went too far on Saturday:

I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry for not trying harder to stop you. You will regret it forever, and I knew that. I told you that. I’m so sorry. I am broken, and now you are, too. You are good. You are STILL good. Do not let this corrode you from the inside; you are still a loving husband and father and teacher and person. Please, please, please be okay.

You didn’t have to walk me home.

I am fine on my own.

Always.

I am not stunning. You would have decided I’m not worth it, just like everyone does. So shiny, until I’m not.

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todayisokay

todayisokaytodayisokaytodayisokay.

I mean, if you’re gonna have racing, obsessive thoughts, might as well make them a positive mantra. Is “okay” even positive? I mean, if someone asks me how I am and I say, “okay,” it’s usually a bad sign, right? But today….well, okay is better than what I feel so I guess we’re going for realistic goals here.

I hate being a grownup and having my life completely determined by money. For the first time ever I’m seriously contemplating leaving New York. It’s killing me. I’m looking at my taxes and I made SO MUCH money last year! And I saved NOT A PENNY. Maybe even dipped into savings. Of course, I paid ten percent of my income into the interest on my student loans. The INTEREST, you guys. I wish I didn’t have to file taxes so that I would never see such depressing numbers. I like taxes. Taxes are good, and in NYC I see the good they are doing all of the time. I will gladly give up this much of my income so that our schools stay as great as they are and our healthcare stays as accessible and awesome as it is, even though I utilize neither of them. (Thanks, union, for taking care of my medical needs!!)

But student loans, man. And I know it’s all my fault for having them, and I wouldn’t have my career if I didn’t go to the same program, and it brought me here and I love it here.

Why is this my life, though? Why am I this age and still living paycheck to paycheck? Kind of for the first time, actually. I mean, after my divorce I literally relied on the generosity of friends. There have been a few times in life when that was the only way I could eat. (God bless Easy Mac).

But like. Here I am again. On an Easy Mac diet. And my friends are building their own houses.

I don’t want that, because I don’t want to be there.

But I always thought that it was an option for me, if I decided I wanted that. If a parent gets sick or something, and I have to move, I would buy a house. I can’t move to that place and live in an apartment. But wait, like, I actually can’t. I can’t afford to move.

My coworker says, “listen. You’re in NYC. EVERYONE is in debt, EVERYONE is living paycheck to paycheck. It’s just a part of life here.”

In social work we talk about global stressors. For the first time, money has become a constant, global, black-cloud stressor I carry with me everywhere. I used to say, “if I need it, I’ll have it. If I don’t have it, I don’t need it.” About money, things, etc.

Where did that attitude go?

Today is okay.

Even though there are 3 gas leaks in my building and we have no hot water, and the L train isn’t running and I am working a double shift (midnight to 4 PM) Sunday that will kick of 12 days in a row of work, and Purdue ruined my bracket, and my deodorant doesn’t work, and my dry cleaner didn’t actually dry clean my clothes they just hung them on hangers.

I still have a building. And a job. And clothes. And family that fills out NCAA brackets. And technically, I have deodorant. 

This was NOT supposed to be a post about money.

But see? It’s always there. Always.

Well, I mean, it’s always never there.

Also.

WHY AREN’T WEDDINGS A TAX WRITE-OFF. Not your own wedding, you shoulda saved up for that. Other people’s weddings.

Todayisokay.

The end.

 

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Evicted.

It’s happening.

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to the woman I called best

I wish you would call me one more time so I could tell you to go fuck yourself.

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