on leaving people to save them

From PostSecret.com:

On the back she writes:

Oh, mama.  My heart breaks for you.  My heart breaks for all of us.  We give up so much for the people we love, often believing they can never love us back the way we need them to — and that loving us will break them.

I’ve done this.  I’ve left people and places that I love because I believed I was the toxic piece that didn’t fit.  I was always the problem, in my mind, you know? I’m the one that could never be happy.  I’m the one  that shuts you out and tries to hide her sadness so that you don’t have to feel it – but you’ve felt it, carried it, for me so much…

if you only knew how much more there is to carry, you’d leave. I know you would.  You should leave.  No but you won’t, will you?  You love me too much.  Well I love you too much to let you love me.  I’ll never be happy.  I’ll get sad again.  I’ll hurt you, hurt us.  I’ll make bad decisions and what if I get worse and I have so much baggage in my past that it’s just not fair to you.

We’ll never fight fairly.  You’re up against so much more than I am – you’re fighting my illness, you’re fighting my past.  And when you apologize, you’re having to say sorry for all those…those guys that never said sorry.  The ones that left me this way.  

I know how to leave.  I know how to protect.  I protected my self for ten years. Then I met you and I knew right then that I could breathe, I could stop fighting, stop protecting myself because you would protect me.  

But now….now I need to protect you.  So I’m going.  Because I’m holding you back, I’m keeping you from growing, or at least I will be soon.  I’m scared to not know where you are, even for a minute, because of a man ten years ago that broke my heart.  You can’t win that battle, baby.  It’s not yours to fight, and neither is this one.  My bipolar is not yours to fight.  My depression, it’s not yours.  You’ve worked so very hard to love me, and your love is perfect.  

If I stay it won’t be perfect anymore.

So, mama.  Whomever you are, wherever you are.  Just because they’re better off without you doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t rather be better off with you. And all they want, I promise with everything I know, is for you to be the person you want to be.  Because that’s what was killing them.  You not knowing, not being, not feeling what you wanted, and knowing they couldn’t make it better for you.  They want you, better.  They don’t want to be better without you.

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2 thoughts on “on leaving people to save them

  1. Food Stories says:

    I love reading your site so I’ve nominated you for the Illuminating Blogger Award for illuminating, informative blog content. You can check out the details at my site … http://foodstoriesblog.com/illuminating-blogger-award/ … Have a great day!

  2. steven1111 says:

    This post made me cry… I feel this way sooo often lately. It’s wrecking my life, but I love my partner too much and he loves me too I know, so we go on. But you’ve put into words what I feel each day and I hate it. Thank you for speaking this awful truth so many of us live with.

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