Back to Borderline.

“The urge was addictive, and I couldn’t think of anything else but ending my life. The ability to see how my death would hurt others was lost to me, and I still don’t quite know why I went back home after two hours. I stopped being angry, I think.

I have never considered suicide when depressed; even thinking about it would be too much effort in that situation. However, anger and panic are what drive me to think such thoughts, to harm myself, to chain-smoke and take more pills than I should. Any type of fear sends me into a blind panic; I just don’t know how to deal with the emotions. Or any emotion, really.”

From Halfway Between the Gutter.

While my therapist/psychiatrist and I established that I do not, clinically, have Borderline Personality Disorder (a constant nagging fear of which haunts me with surprising regularity), I definitely DO exhibit some serious BPD traits.  The above quote from HBG was like a lightbulb for me: it’s not depression that makes me think life is worthless, it’s anger and fear!  I’ve discussed my inability to name my emotions before, and with this new insight I feel like I have one more glimpse into the dysregulated organ that is my brain. Now to determine if I’m actually angry in these situations, or if it’s all a manifestation of fear. Specifically, the fear of being betrayed. Well, of being betrayed and not knowing about it. But still.

New goal: let’s separate the three emotions and figure out a better way to respond.  Like, now.  Actually like, two weeks ago would be nice. But you can’t undo the past, right? Dang it. #dbt.

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3 thoughts on “Back to Borderline.

  1. I have yet to be diagnosed, actually on my way for my assessment with the Psychiatrist this morning. I have attempted suicide 3 times, I always put it down to depression. That was until my most recent attempt, I realised I wS so angry to the point of despair and wanted to escape. Over the past couple of months I have felt angry at everything, but mostly myself. What my mental health nurse told me was, anger is the easiest emotion to deal with. It’s like the outside skin of an onion, when you peel it away all the other emotions are underneath.

  2. I am clinically BPD and I have found that I see a lot of the characteristics in a lot of people, I think that the DSM-V criteria are a bit dated still, but a lot of people can experience this. Good luck separating emotions, it’s really hard, but you’re putting the first step in.

  3. catsandrunks says:

    Mmm, good insight/reminder. I also struggle to regulate emotions and even figure out what emotion I’m feeling when. I was misdiagnosed as borderline for a long while. Good luck.

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