Doing it Wrong

Last night I had a total breakdown. It was a long time coming, but I’ve been super up and down the past couple of weeks (as if you couldn’t tell) and last night I just lost it.

I realized that for the past 6-8 months, possibly more, possibly the past 5 years…oh geez, possibly the past TEN years, I have been investing in the wrong things. Okay let’s stop with the global look at disappointing things in my life and just talk about the past few months.

My friend who called off her wedding and had an eating disorder return. I invested so many tears, so many hours of counseling, only for her to suddenly decide everything is fine and now the wedding is back on. I can’t even talk to her right now because I have so little respect for what she is doing to her fiance. I haven’t heard from her since the text that said “thanks for being my friend, the wedding is back on.”

My friend who sat on my couch suicidal for a week, for whom I missed days of work and arranged inpatient care and spoke with her family and cried with for days…months. She told me to go fuck myself once she started feeling better. I mean, borderlines will be borderline, but still.

My friend who called me hyperventilating five weeks before her wedding. My best friend, with whom I’d spoken nearly every day for the past eight months, who visits regularly and who is, did I mention, my best friend. The one for whom I worried so much that I didn’t sleep for days and had heart palpitations over and over. I haven’t heard from her since her wedding day, the one where I stood by her knowing that she meant none of the promises she made. I can’t decide if I did something wrong or if she’s ashamed. I’m obsessing nearly every minute over the week that I was with her and what I could have done so wrong for her to go a month without reaching out to me, or answering my texts and calls.

My doctor.

My friend that can’t be my friend.

My ex that I love who loves me.

I tended a lot of concrete that I thought was soil. And I’m getting the blooms one would expect from such pointless toil. I realize that this is a common problem when you’re everyone’s social worker…but man. It sucks.

Glad to finally realize why I’ve been so upset recently. I’ve known that I felt abandoned. I hadn’t realized how used I feel.

Grateful for some patients who are doing much better today. I may owe my alma mater a million dollars, but for now it seems like the only worthy investment I’ve made.

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