I mean, if you’re gonna have racing, obsessive thoughts, might as well make them a positive mantra. Is “okay” even positive? I mean, if someone asks me how I am and I say, “okay,” it’s usually a bad sign, right? But today….well, okay is better than what I feel so I guess we’re going for realistic goals here.
I hate being a grownup and having my life completely determined by money. For the first time ever I’m seriously contemplating leaving New York. It’s killing me. I’m looking at my taxes and I made SO MUCH money last year! And I saved NOT A PENNY. Maybe even dipped into savings. Of course, I paid ten percent of my income into the interest on my student loans. The INTEREST, you guys. I wish I didn’t have to file taxes so that I would never see such depressing numbers. I like taxes. Taxes are good, and in NYC I see the good they are doing all of the time. I will gladly give up this much of my income so that our schools stay as great as they are and our healthcare stays as accessible and awesome as it is, even though I utilize neither of them. (Thanks, union, for taking care of my medical needs!!)
But student loans, man. And I know it’s all my fault for having them, and I wouldn’t have my career if I didn’t go to the same program, and it brought me here and I love it here.
Why is this my life, though? Why am I this age and still living paycheck to paycheck? Kind of for the first time, actually. I mean, after my divorce I literally relied on the generosity of friends. There have been a few times in life when that was the only way I could eat. (God bless Easy Mac).
But like. Here I am again. On an Easy Mac diet. And my friends are building their own houses.
I don’t want that, because I don’t want to be there.
But I always thought that it was an option for me, if I decided I wanted that. If a parent gets sick or something, and I have to move, I would buy a house. I can’t move to that place and live in an apartment. But wait, like, I actually can’t. I can’t afford to move.
My coworker says, “listen. You’re in NYC. EVERYONE is in debt, EVERYONE is living paycheck to paycheck. It’s just a part of life here.”
In social work we talk about global stressors. For the first time, money has become a constant, global, black-cloud stressor I carry with me everywhere. I used to say, “if I need it, I’ll have it. If I don’t have it, I don’t need it.” About money, things, etc.
Where did that attitude go?
Today is okay.
Even though there are 3 gas leaks in my building and we have no hot water, and the L train isn’t running and I am working a double shift (midnight to 4 PM) Sunday that will kick of 12 days in a row of work, and Purdue ruined my bracket, and my deodorant doesn’t work, and my dry cleaner didn’t actually dry clean my clothes they just hung them on hangers.
I still have a building. And a job. And clothes. And family that fills out NCAA brackets. And technically, I have deodorant.
This was NOT supposed to be a post about money.
But see? It’s always there. Always.
Well, I mean, it’s always never there.
WHY AREN’T WEDDINGS A TAX WRITE-OFF. Not your own wedding, you shoulda saved up for that. Other people’s weddings.