Category Archives: bipolar

just a dull ache

Constant. Chronic. A dull, dull ache in my chest. In my heart. In my stomach.

So tired of crying over you.

So tired of loving you.

So tired of you loving me back but choosing a different life.

_____

There is not a soul in this world that would not be fine without me.

Tough pill to swallow.

I am no one’s person.

I would have thought I was, to several people, but everyone chooses a different life. One without me. Every single person.

_____

I’m honestly not sure how you can walk away and say you’d be upset if something happened to me. That doesn’t make sense. How would it actually affect you if you have chosen to walk away when I’m alive?

I don’t understand.

Every. Single. Person.

_____

A dull, dull ache that stabs sometimes. Constant. Chronic.

Overwhelming.

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

stressors

I felt good because my environment felt good. Air conditioning, dishwasher, laundry. People who have stuck around. Family. My favorite foods.

So it’s fair to say, part (or most) of why I’ve been feeling so down prior to this weekend is because my environment felt so awful. Too hot to dry my hair, or do anything really. Washing clothes is so much trouble and they never feel clean. God what I wouldn’t give to run my dishes through a dishwasher just once.

It’s nice to think that maybe life wasn’t all that terrible, and I wasn’t all that terrible, but that my environment just wore me down a bit.

Busy is good. If I were different and were avoiding thinking by being busy, that’d be one thing. But I ruminate. It should be listed on my special skills. I obsess.

Busy means I don’t have time to obsess.

Not even over his concert or his night in NYC or his Tinder dates. Not even that could bring me down this week.

Doc says to shave some Seroquel and take it tonight.

Probs a good idea.

I just wanna dry my hair more often. (Who would have thought behavioral therapy should include a hair dryer?)

 

 

oh wait

Little do you know
How I’m breaking while you fall asleep
Little do you know
I’m still haunted by the memories
Little do you know
I’m trying to pick myself up piece by piece

Little do you know
I need a little more time

Underneath it all I’m held captive by the hole inside
I’ve been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind
I’m ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight

Little do you know
I need a little more time

I’ll wait, I’ll wait
I love you like you’ve never felt the pain,
I’ll wait
I promise you don’t have to be afraid,
I’ll wait
The love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me

Little do you know
I know you’re hurting while I’m sound asleep
Little do you know
All my mistakes are slowly drowning me
Little do you know
I’m trying to make it better piece by piece

Little do you know
I, I love you ’til the sun dies

Oh wait, just wait
I love you like I’ve never felt the pain,
Just wait
I love you like I’ve never been afraid,
Just wait
Our love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me

I’ll wait , I’ll wait
I love you like you’ve never felt the pain,
I’ll wait
I promise you don’t have to be afraid,
I’ll wait
The love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me
Lay your head on me
So lay your head on me

‘Cause little do you know
I, I love you ’til the sun dies

_______________________________
It just never stops. Hurting.
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

all the hits

just keep coming.

Grateful for you guys. You’re all here even when everyone else goes back to their wives.

(Not an indictment of those men. And yes, multiple. It’s fine. I’ll always be here for them, too. Because (a) I’m a shitty person and (b) it’s what I do. I will continue to collect hurt souls and then learn to let them go except for sometimes.)

okay never lasts long

Damnit.

upswinging

It’s funny, people asking me if I’m okay now that I finally feel okay.

One of my very best friends has found the love of his life. Or so he thinks. He also found Jesus. A few months ago, he found Jesus. After wanting to be a Youth Pastor when he was in college, to going to seminary, to realizing God is fucked up and church is fucked up and people in church are fucked up. Then a staunch atheist for a long long time. Then a quiet atheist. Then, Jesus.

But I haven’t seen Jesus in awhile, only his new girlfriend. Almost fiance. After a few weeks, he has bought the ring.

You’re an addict, dude. You’re addicted to something, always. To drugs, or alcohol, or me, or work, or Jesus, or her. I guess it’s not okay to say that, at least not before I’ve met her and not before he asks and not over text message.

I spend too much time thinking about loss. So many friends gone this year, but the choosing kind of gone. I know I’ve said it before. It’s just always there, the holes, and more added every day it seems like. It’s okay. I have new friends, or old friends who have stuck around, and I try to focus on them. I try to remember the holes I’ve left in other people’s lives. Try to convince myself I mattered to someone as much as these people matter to me.

I don’t even know her last name. Did she keep hers? Add his? Take his only?

She said Happy Birthday and some other kind and thoughtful things. I didn’t respond. What would I even say? What could I even want from her? And do I risk responding only to find that her message was just…a thing, and not an attempt to get me back.

I feel okay. It’s pretty cool. Of course I anticipate the upswing to keep going straight on to mania, but for now it’s awesome, and welcome.

Thanks, beach time last week! You put me on the right track.

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

hypomania some more

Tired of living in this state.

So high. So irritated. So depressed. So angry.

Biggest week of the year. Missing the players from last year. Fantasizing she shows up. Avoiding him with all the willpower I can muster.

Do I walk funny?

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

When the music dies and other such signs of depression

Repost from Dr. Psych Mom.

Lesser Known Signs of Depression: Can You Feel The Music? 

by Samantha Rodman (4.7.2016)

Many times, I work with clients who tell me that they aren’t depressed, and therefore won’t try medication or in any other way augment our work together, or even come into my office often enough to give me a true shot to help.  There are so many reasons that it is helpful to know that you’re depressed, including:

  • If you know you’re depressed, you realize you may be seeing things as more negative than they are
  • If you know you’re depressed, you realize the “problem” may not be your job, husband, kids, friends, etc, but that you are depressed and see everything as a problem
  • If you know you’re depressed, you may seriously reorganize your life, prioritize exercise, health, personal time, and so forth

But many people can look at the criteria for Major Depressive Disorder and not know if their symptoms exactly qualify.  So here is a list of some other “symptoms” of depression that you won’t see in a diagnostic manual, but that may resonate more with you.

  1. Music affects you differently.  You can’t listen to sad songs anymore because they make you cry, or you can’t listen to upbeat music because you find it boring.  Or else you have no desire to listen to music at all, even though you used to love it.
  2. You’re not as generous anymore.  You used to care about people’s troubles more, or you used to donate to charity.  Now you find yourself unmoved by the whole idea of charity or giving your precious spare time to listen to or to help your friends and family.  You’re looking out for number one.
  3. You don’t feel refreshed after sleeping.  You can sleep 12 hours and you still don’t wake up with a bounce in your step.  Or you can have a luxurious afternoon nap, and instead of it feeling luxurious, you feel like you were hit by a truck when you wake up.
  4. You don’t find things as funny.  You can’t remember the last time you laughed till tears came, or couldn’t restrain yourself from laughing.  If you watch a movie you used to find hilarious, you think it’s kind of stupid and you don’t remember why you even liked it so much.
  5. You are irritable.  This, along with anger, is actually a diagnostic criterion for depression, but it’s usually not one most people are aware of.  If everything your spouse does annoys you, and work seems to be filled with idiots, and your kids seem spoiled and ungrateful much of the time, this may be a red flag.
  6. Your relationship changes with food.  For many, food loses its appeal, and nothing tastes that awesome.  For others, food becomes the only bright spot in their day, and it is something to fantasize about.  Usually people with the latter extreme are suffering from atypical depression.
  7. Your body hurts.  Your back, joints, neck, or head hurts all the time, or your stomach is always unsettled.  You constantly feel, or state aloud, that you don’t feel well.  You’re almost relieved when you actually have a cold or even the flu, because finally there seems to be an actual reason that you always feel kind of sick.
  8. Your creativity tanks.  Some people are creative with crafts, others with cooking, others with cracking jokes, others with planning surprise day trips for their family.  Whatever your typical outlet is, it feels like your creative juices have dried up, and you can’t understand how you used to be filled with inspiration.
  9. You don’t feel romantic.  Many people with lower sex drives, like women with small kids, are used to feeling less easily aroused than they used to be.  But this is different.  Now, you don’t understand the need or reason for romance either, when you used to love it. Your husband finally brings home flowers and you don’t care.  Or your wife looks objectively nice and you can’t bring yourself to care or comment.
  10. Your kids aren’t cute anymore.  Well, they are objectively, you guess, but they don’t strike that same chord in your heart.  Or you may be a new mom and your baby strikes no chord in your heart, besides annoyance or anxiety.  If your kids don’t tug at your heartstrings, this is a sign something is wrong, and it’s usually not your deep fear that you’re actually just a cold person and parent.
  11. You give up on aspects of your life and your identity that used to be important to you.  Maybe you were always into fitness, but now you think spending your limited time exercising is dumb.  Or you used to entertain, and now it seems like too much work to clean and shop to host people you wouldn’t even really want to talk to.

My dad learned that his reading slows dramatically when he starts to get depressed – when the number of books that he flies through suddenly decreases in a week, he makes an appointment to see his therapist.

For me, it’s my friends that first point out that I’m “up” – the “when was the last time you ate?” question never stops, but it turns to “so for the past three days you’ve said you hadn’t slept last night…” or “wow you’re speaking quickly this morning!” or “so….when was the last time you took your meds?”

What are your personal signs that you may be sliding into a depression (or into mania)?

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

can I get a redo?

My experience with psychotherapy supports the findings that we can “rewire our brains.” In cognitive therapy, I learned to stop negative thoughts and suicidal ideation, rewrite those thoughts and replace them with more accurate ones. In therapy I’ve learned to reframe my life experiences as meaningful – as preparing me to be a better mother, wife, and daughter, […]

via Bipolar Disorder and Neurocounseling — Kitt O’Malley

Tagged , , , , , , ,

ready for love

When I was married, I thought I was amazing. I mean, I was manic or hypomanic much of the time, so obviously I was amazing. But it’s more than that. I had men everywhere. Falling over themselves to be with me. If only I were single, they’d say. I’d say. If only. I had 3 proposals between the time I got engaged and the day I got married.

I thought I was amazing.

Then I left, thinking I’d be amazing forever.

And I realized, the only men that wanted me were men who would go after a married woman. I mean, yes, it was me they were after and sure, they might have wanted me if I were single. But I wasn’t single, and they still tried.

I didn’t want a man like that. As I realized it, I disappointed them. I was disappointed.

They were placeholders, and I hate it. Some of them knew it; I was safe because I was unattainable and I don’t think it really hurt them to know I wasn’t interested anymore. Some of them just bowed out as I pulled away.

The thing is. I’m a placeholder now. And it sucks, because I know what happens to placeholders.

I feel different than the girl on the side, somehow. Maybe because I’m not getting all that much out of it?

My thesis one day will be about cheating and affairs, I’m sure of it.

Anyway.

I’ve been a placeholder so many times. Just now naming it. You know. I was your placeholder.

I’m just that good at lurking in the darkness. Keeping secrets, being the confidante. Hiding. What is it that makes me keep doing it? Why do I settle for this place? Is it even settling? It can’t be. Somehow I must be seeking it. But why?

So tired of the dark. I want to love in the daylight. I want to BE loved in the daylight. I want to be FRIENDS in the daylight. I spend way too much time censoring names out of my conversations. “My friend.” “This friend.” “This guy I know.” “Oh you don’t know him.”

So tired.

 

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,
%d bloggers like this: