Category Archives: emotions

freakin weekend

I had the BEST weekend with my brothers. We are split all over the world so we don’t get to be together in one place very often. The last two times have been around Christmas, anyway, so it’s juggling a ton of family/friends/traditions/etc. This weekend was impromptu and completely obligation-free.

It was perfect.

They are so smart, so so hilarious. Way too cool for me…way too cool for a lot of people ha. I loved watching the way the middle one, the one who lives on the other side of the globe, liked to make the younger one laugh.

I loved that he is getting wrinkles around his eyes and they are the biggest laugh lines you could ever start to have at 29.

I loved getting to listen to them and our dad, saying the funniest things and dumbest dad-jokes and smartest commentary. They’re witty, but they’re more than witty. I can’t explain it, I wish I could because when I talk about how smart they are and how well-read they are and how much they remember and how much they know, they sound so boring. They’re the opposite of boring. They’re…I just don’t know. People who know them know they are lucky to have them. I know it times a million, because I know if I wasn’t related I’d never be cool enough to hang out with them. I’m definitely not as smart as them, I’ve always said that. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not dumb. But I think so differently than they do, and I don’t remember things like they do. I definitely don’t pay attention to or understand the world in the way they do.

Of course I hated to leave, and I’ve spiraled in the ensuing 24 hours.

While I was relishing the time with them I kept thinking, This is the kind of energy I want around me, why can’t I have them all the time, why can’t at least two of us be in the same place! Then I wondered what the man would look like who could fit in with these men.  Who is the man that I could bring home to them and be accepted and respected?

And then I suddenly realized. I don’t have that man – I won’t have that man – because I’m not smart like they are. I’ll never bring home someone who would fit in because that person won’t be interested in me. 

I haven’t laughed as much as I did this weekend in YEARS.

I want more.

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i’m not ready.

I couldn’t digest that he could fall in love with someone else while I still loved him. At that point, I didn’t understand love could be one-sided like that. I couldn’t imagine he told her the things he told me, or looked at her the same way.

In my deluded state, I actually felt sorry for her. This poor girl’s boyfriend is in love with his ex, I thought. It’s funny how easy it is to believe the unbelievable when it hurts less.

When do you fall out of love with your ex, when you break up because of reason and not because you don’t love each other? Which of you gets to move on first, and when it happens, does it mean the love has gone or just that we’ve chosen to go forward and hope it fades away completely?

The internet told me a lot about her. It told me she was beautiful and smart. It told me she was social and her smile made her seem kind. I wanted to hate her, but I couldn’t.

She took pictures with children and smiled wholeheartedly in photos. She laughed in a way that seemed authentic. She looked like the kind of girl who didn’t take long to get ready.

She’s perfect.  Probably not perfect, I mean, but people love her and it seems like they should. The same people who love me love her, so she must be special.

I noticed when she became friends with his sisters and took a photo with his mother. I saw him wearing the watch I bought him as he stood next to her on a vacation they took together. I saw them driving in the car we kissed in — the car we broke up in.

I saw their relationship go the places ours had gone and to places it had not.

I’m not ready for the places it has not.

A beautiful, tortuous essay, published on Buzzfeed of all places. Read the full, painful post here: I watched my ex fall in love with someone else on Facebook.

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just breathe.

It’s amazing how sometimes we need kids to teach us how to be adults.

By Wavecrest Films, as seen on Amy’s Smart Girls (.com) and Upworthy.

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Back to Borderline.

“The urge was addictive, and I couldn’t think of anything else but ending my life. The ability to see how my death would hurt others was lost to me, and I still don’t quite know why I went back home after two hours. I stopped being angry, I think.

I have never considered suicide when depressed; even thinking about it would be too much effort in that situation. However, anger and panic are what drive me to think such thoughts, to harm myself, to chain-smoke and take more pills than I should. Any type of fear sends me into a blind panic; I just don’t know how to deal with the emotions. Or any emotion, really.”

From Halfway Between the Gutter.

While my therapist/psychiatrist and I established that I do not, clinically, have Borderline Personality Disorder (a constant nagging fear of which haunts me with surprising regularity), I definitely DO exhibit some serious BPD traits.  The above quote from HBG was like a lightbulb for me: it’s not depression that makes me think life is worthless, it’s anger and fear!  I’ve discussed my inability to name my emotions before, and with this new insight I feel like I have one more glimpse into the dysregulated organ that is my brain. Now to determine if I’m actually angry in these situations, or if it’s all a manifestation of fear. Specifically, the fear of being betrayed. Well, of being betrayed and not knowing about it. But still.

New goal: let’s separate the three emotions and figure out a better way to respond.  Like, now.  Actually like, two weeks ago would be nice. But you can’t undo the past, right? Dang it. #dbt.

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