Category Archives: mania


It’s funny, people asking me if I’m okay now that I finally feel okay.

One of my very best friends has found the love of his life. Or so he thinks. He also found Jesus. A few months ago, he found Jesus. After wanting to be a Youth Pastor when he was in college, to going to seminary, to realizing God is fucked up and church is fucked up and people in church are fucked up. Then a staunch atheist for a long long time. Then a quiet atheist. Then, Jesus.

But I haven’t seen Jesus in awhile, only his new girlfriend. Almost fiance. After a few weeks, he has bought the ring.

You’re an addict, dude. You’re addicted to something, always. To drugs, or alcohol, or me, or work, or Jesus, or her. I guess it’s not okay to say that, at least not before I’ve met her and not before he asks and not over text message.

I spend too much time thinking about loss. So many friends gone this year, but the choosing kind of gone. I know I’ve said it before. It’s just always there, the holes, and more added every day it seems like. It’s okay. I have new friends, or old friends who have stuck around, and I try to focus on them. I try to remember the holes I’ve left in other people’s lives. Try to convince myself I mattered to someone as much as these people matter to me.

I don’t even know her last name. Did she keep hers? Add his? Take his only?

She said Happy Birthday and some other kind and thoughtful things. I didn’t respond. What would I even say? What could I even want from her? And do I risk responding only to find that her message was just…a thing, and not an attempt to get me back.

I feel okay. It’s pretty cool. Of course I anticipate the upswing to keep going straight on to mania, but for now it’s awesome, and welcome.

Thanks, beach time last week! You put me on the right track.


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hypomania some more

Tired of living in this state.

So high. So irritated. So depressed. So angry.

Biggest week of the year. Missing the players from last year. Fantasizing she shows up. Avoiding him with all the willpower I can muster.

Do I walk funny?


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Doing it Wrong

Last night I had a total breakdown. It was a long time coming, but I’ve been super up and down the past couple of weeks (as if you couldn’t tell) and last night I just lost it.

I realized that for the past 6-8 months, possibly more, possibly the past 5 years…oh geez, possibly the past TEN years, I have been investing in the wrong things. Okay let’s stop with the global look at disappointing things in my life and just talk about the past few months.

My friend who called off her wedding and had an eating disorder return. I invested so many tears, so many hours of counseling, only for her to suddenly decide everything is fine and now the wedding is back on. I can’t even talk to her right now because I have so little respect for what she is doing to her fiance. I haven’t heard from her since the text that said “thanks for being my friend, the wedding is back on.”

My friend who sat on my couch suicidal for a week, for whom I missed days of work and arranged inpatient care and spoke with her family and cried with for days…months. She told me to go fuck myself once she started feeling better. I mean, borderlines will be borderline, but still.

My friend who called me hyperventilating five weeks before her wedding. My best friend, with whom I’d spoken nearly every day for the past eight months, who visits regularly and who is, did I mention, my best friend. The one for whom I worried so much that I didn’t sleep for days and had heart palpitations over and over. I haven’t heard from her since her wedding day, the one where I stood by her knowing that she meant none of the promises she made. I can’t decide if I did something wrong or if she’s ashamed. I’m obsessing nearly every minute over the week that I was with her and what I could have done so wrong for her to go a month without reaching out to me, or answering my texts and calls.

My doctor.

My friend that can’t be my friend.

My ex that I love who loves me.

I tended a lot of concrete that I thought was soil. And I’m getting the blooms one would expect from such pointless toil. I realize that this is a common problem when you’re everyone’s social worker…but man. It sucks.

Glad to finally realize why I’ve been so upset recently. I’ve known that I felt abandoned. I hadn’t realized how used I feel.

Grateful for some patients who are doing much better today. I may owe my alma mater a million dollars, but for now it seems like the only worthy investment I’ve made.

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always personal

“You would think the upswing of being bipolar would be being manic. It should be great–you need less sleep, you’re very productive, you have lots of ideas and feel like you can do just about anything. That’s all true. But then there’s the racing thoughts that are ALWAYS in your head. The med changes that bring on weight change. The spending money you don’t really have. The nonstop talking. Taking everything personally. And my favorites: anger & rage.”

Oh those lovely manic days!.


So strugglingwithbipolar linked to an article about hypomania, which led me to this next article about handling hypomania without obliterating it with medication.  First of all, I really don’t like that this guy calls people with the illness “bipolars.”  It’s actually really dated to refer to anyone as their disorder, and the current shift to the recovery paradigm in mental health teaches us to respect ourselves way more than that.  Regardless, the post is interesting.  I was recently medicated for being in a hypomanic state, and I had only been that way for about a week.  I told my doctor I felt “crazy” and that I couldn’t control my emotions, but I’m not sure I was truly on the track to mania.  Was it better to be safe than sorry? Will I permanently be on a higher dose of medication without actually seeing if I could have de-escalated on my own?  I guess I’d rather be here than in a hospital, but I have a great deal of clinical support in place – the hypomanic part of me really wants to see where it would have gone this time.

Which is why I blog.  To see just how textbook I am. ;) I told you I miss the mania.

Okay, whew, distracted.  Here is the article about hypomania. What do you think?  Can “Four Secrets” teach us to reign in hypomania and use it to our advantage? Is it worth a try?

PS: I think reducing it to four steps is like calling us “bipolars.” 

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it says five hours

Note to self and everyone else:

People with manic tendencies should probably not drink 5-hour energy drinks.  I can’t stop buying things online (OH THAT IS SO PRETTY I MUST HAVE) and I’m laughing and crying at the same time.  This is like twenty minutes into the drink….

…a little frightening.  Anyone else have experience with this?? (Probs should have asked first, huh).



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on living without the mania

I can trace symptoms of my bipolar as far back as the seventh grade.  I wasn’t diagnosed then, and I was misdiagnosed as having depression for a long time.  But the same cycle of extreme highs and terrible lows can be seen throughout my life, especially if you read the journals that I have kept since middle school.

I crave the highs.  Don’t you?

So many of us do, and the literature clearly shows that bipolar disorder is one of the hardest to consistently treat because when we are doing well we take ourselves off of our medication…and while we are on the medication we never quite get to that indescribable feeling of elation, invincibility, creativity, and passion.

The unfortunate part is that, even before my diagnosis, I always knew the highs would end.  I thought it was just something wrong with me, some sin I had committed to make the Universe take away my happiness. I never quite trusted the high; I resisted feelings of happiness because of my certainty they would end and I would be so sad once again.  I trusted my depressions as the true me, the real part of me that everyone would hate should they know how I truly felt inside.

I know now to embrace all of me, the pained parts and the joyful parts, but I don’t trust it.

My partner and I have been together through over a year of an incredible and ever-deepening love for one another.  As we slowly move toward the post-honeymoon phase of our relationship, I find myself questioning his love for me.  I’m afraid that the end of a high means the end of our happiness, the end of our relationship, the end of us. Not because I actually doubt him or his word, but because the obvious, overt passion isn’t as prevalent.  Because he loves me quietly, truly, deeply…not irrationally at four in the morning after hours of Skyping, but rationally, when I’ve removed my makeup, when we’re actually paying attention to the movie (well, sometimes), when he’s people-watching at lunch instead of constantly gazing into my eyes.

But when I choose to trust it, to trust him, I realize I don’t have to seek a new high just to avoid the heartbreak of a depression. I’m not afraid to be in love with him, to move on to new phases of life with him, to experience the newness of stability rather than the newness of relationship.

I am, for the first time, learning to love without needing the mania. And it is so worth it.

my diary.

“I swung from deep depression to hypomania and back to some mixed-up state between the two.  I was never sure which was worse, feeling completely dead inside or feeling angry, anxious and agitated.”

“I always said that my diary was my therapist.  And for a long time it was enough…..”

(Read original post here: on being bipolar)

I love the way, in the midst of feeling like no one on earth could possibly understand the craziness that is my brain, I find someone who states my thoughts exactly.  Thank you,

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on the descent.

“i woke up at 4 am after the magical lookout evening, and dyed my hair.  i craved hummus really intensely, ate it with a spoon in the dark.  while the city slept my mind grappled with its sanity.  but i know better.  i know nature is asking me to let go of control.  this is the part where the snake gets out of her cage, rubs her belly onto the earth, sheds her skin.  the skin is coming off.  the reasons are coming off.  the past is coming off.  identity is coming off.”

Reblogged from

See original post here: the moon card cycle and we in me.

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