Category Archives: relationships

freakin weekend

I had the BEST weekend with my brothers. We are split all over the world so we don’t get to be together in one place very often. The last two times have been around Christmas, anyway, so it’s juggling a ton of family/friends/traditions/etc. This weekend was impromptu and completely obligation-free.

It was perfect.

They are so smart, so so hilarious. Way too cool for me…way too cool for a lot of people ha. I loved watching the way the middle one, the one who lives on the other side of the globe, liked to make the younger one laugh.

I loved that he is getting wrinkles around his eyes and they are the biggest laugh lines you could ever start to have at 29.

I loved getting to listen to them and our dad, saying the funniest things and dumbest dad-jokes and smartest commentary. They’re witty, but they’re more than witty. I can’t explain it, I wish I could because when I talk about how smart they are and how well-read they are and how much they remember and how much they know, they sound so boring. They’re the opposite of boring. They’re…I just don’t know. People who know them know they are lucky to have them. I know it times a million, because I know if I wasn’t related I’d never be cool enough to hang out with them. I’m definitely not as smart as them, I’ve always said that. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not dumb. But I think so differently than they do, and I don’t remember things like they do. I definitely don’t pay attention to or understand the world in the way they do.

Of course I hated to leave, and I’ve spiraled in the ensuing 24 hours.

While I was relishing the time with them I kept thinking, This is the kind of energy I want around me, why can’t I have them all the time, why can’t at least two of us be in the same place! Then I wondered what the man would look like who could fit in with these men.  Who is the man that I could bring home to them and be accepted and respected?

And then I suddenly realized. I don’t have that man – I won’t have that man – because I’m not smart like they are. I’ll never bring home someone who would fit in because that person won’t be interested in me. 

I haven’t laughed as much as I did this weekend in YEARS.

I want more.

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Newest Worst Thing

They’re on MY square. My hometown. The exact place I got engaged, at a festival I wanted to attend but I wasn’t in town.

Yes, I could stop stalking them.

And I do! For days at a time. And then I wake up and torture myself.

BUT guys.

I’m not so nauseated today. I honestly think he and I are moving on at the same time, same pace. And that’s a good, good thing (the timing, I mean). We had such a good conversation about everything not too long ago. I didn’t think there was anything left to talk about, but there was, and it helped. I guess.

Because I met someone. Someone normal, normal looking, age-appropriate, kind of wonderful and kind of an asshole (a good balance I promise), who does nice things and it doesn’t make me cringe, and to whom I am attracted.

It’s been two years and that has NEVER happened. People are nice to me and I run away. I like their minds but can’t stand the thought of anything physical. I want them physically but there’s nothing else there.

So maybe I’ve finally found my rebound?

The part that sucks is that he’s moving on with someone nearby, on my square, and I’m moving on with someone….who lives on the other side of the world. Three months from now he’ll leave this place, likely never to return. Fingers crossed it’s a rebound and not real feelings, please and thank you.

Oh my heart. Just get it together, already.

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just a dull ache

Constant. Chronic. A dull, dull ache in my chest. In my heart. In my stomach.

So tired of crying over you.

So tired of loving you.

So tired of you loving me back but choosing a different life.

_____

There is not a soul in this world that would not be fine without me.

Tough pill to swallow.

I am no one’s person.

I would have thought I was, to several people, but everyone chooses a different life. One without me. Every single person.

_____

I’m honestly not sure how you can walk away and say you’d be upset if something happened to me. That doesn’t make sense. How would it actually affect you if you have chosen to walk away when I’m alive?

I don’t understand.

Every. Single. Person.

_____

A dull, dull ache that stabs sometimes. Constant. Chronic.

Overwhelming.

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oh wait

Little do you know
How I’m breaking while you fall asleep
Little do you know
I’m still haunted by the memories
Little do you know
I’m trying to pick myself up piece by piece

Little do you know
I need a little more time

Underneath it all I’m held captive by the hole inside
I’ve been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind
I’m ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight

Little do you know
I need a little more time

I’ll wait, I’ll wait
I love you like you’ve never felt the pain,
I’ll wait
I promise you don’t have to be afraid,
I’ll wait
The love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me

Little do you know
I know you’re hurting while I’m sound asleep
Little do you know
All my mistakes are slowly drowning me
Little do you know
I’m trying to make it better piece by piece

Little do you know
I, I love you ’til the sun dies

Oh wait, just wait
I love you like I’ve never felt the pain,
Just wait
I love you like I’ve never been afraid,
Just wait
Our love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me

I’ll wait , I’ll wait
I love you like you’ve never felt the pain,
I’ll wait
I promise you don’t have to be afraid,
I’ll wait
The love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me
Lay your head on me
So lay your head on me

‘Cause little do you know
I, I love you ’til the sun dies

_______________________________
It just never stops. Hurting.
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upswinging

It’s funny, people asking me if I’m okay now that I finally feel okay.

One of my very best friends has found the love of his life. Or so he thinks. He also found Jesus. A few months ago, he found Jesus. After wanting to be a Youth Pastor when he was in college, to going to seminary, to realizing God is fucked up and church is fucked up and people in church are fucked up. Then a staunch atheist for a long long time. Then a quiet atheist. Then, Jesus.

But I haven’t seen Jesus in awhile, only his new girlfriend. Almost fiance. After a few weeks, he has bought the ring.

You’re an addict, dude. You’re addicted to something, always. To drugs, or alcohol, or me, or work, or Jesus, or her. I guess it’s not okay to say that, at least not before I’ve met her and not before he asks and not over text message.

I spend too much time thinking about loss. So many friends gone this year, but the choosing kind of gone. I know I’ve said it before. It’s just always there, the holes, and more added every day it seems like. It’s okay. I have new friends, or old friends who have stuck around, and I try to focus on them. I try to remember the holes I’ve left in other people’s lives. Try to convince myself I mattered to someone as much as these people matter to me.

I don’t even know her last name. Did she keep hers? Add his? Take his only?

She said Happy Birthday and some other kind and thoughtful things. I didn’t respond. What would I even say? What could I even want from her? And do I risk responding only to find that her message was just…a thing, and not an attempt to get me back.

I feel okay. It’s pretty cool. Of course I anticipate the upswing to keep going straight on to mania, but for now it’s awesome, and welcome.

Thanks, beach time last week! You put me on the right track.

 

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can I do this again?

“Being beautiful is more than how many people you can get to look at you, or how others perceive you at a single glance.  It’s about what you live for.  It’s about what defines you.  It’s about the depth of your heart, and what makes you unique.  It’s about being who you are and living out your life honestly.  It’s about those little quirks that make you, you.  People who are only attracted to you because of your pretty face or nice body won’t stay by your side forever.  But the people who can see how beautiful your heart is will never leave you.”

 

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walking

“it’s days like this i wish to be walking with his arms around me through the city streets feeling like i have love, not seeking or letting go or learning lessons or being content without.”

 

This is exactly what I was thinking this morning as I walked to work. It’s frozen here, and the Chrysler building is perfect, and I loved my first patient. And this is exactly what I was thinking.

(From romantic tuesday wakeup).

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ready for love

When I was married, I thought I was amazing. I mean, I was manic or hypomanic much of the time, so obviously I was amazing. But it’s more than that. I had men everywhere. Falling over themselves to be with me. If only I were single, they’d say. I’d say. If only. I had 3 proposals between the time I got engaged and the day I got married.

I thought I was amazing.

Then I left, thinking I’d be amazing forever.

And I realized, the only men that wanted me were men who would go after a married woman. I mean, yes, it was me they were after and sure, they might have wanted me if I were single. But I wasn’t single, and they still tried.

I didn’t want a man like that. As I realized it, I disappointed them. I was disappointed.

They were placeholders, and I hate it. Some of them knew it; I was safe because I was unattainable and I don’t think it really hurt them to know I wasn’t interested anymore. Some of them just bowed out as I pulled away.

The thing is. I’m a placeholder now. And it sucks, because I know what happens to placeholders.

I feel different than the girl on the side, somehow. Maybe because I’m not getting all that much out of it?

My thesis one day will be about cheating and affairs, I’m sure of it.

Anyway.

I’ve been a placeholder so many times. Just now naming it. You know. I was your placeholder.

I’m just that good at lurking in the darkness. Keeping secrets, being the confidante. Hiding. What is it that makes me keep doing it? Why do I settle for this place? Is it even settling? It can’t be. Somehow I must be seeking it. But why?

So tired of the dark. I want to love in the daylight. I want to BE loved in the daylight. I want to be FRIENDS in the daylight. I spend way too much time censoring names out of my conversations. “My friend.” “This friend.” “This guy I know.” “Oh you don’t know him.”

So tired.

 

 

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God will never.

I remember when this blog was halfway professional, but now it seems to just be a place I can scream without judgment. Which is a good thing, but it also makes me feel like a failure.

“God will never send you another woman’s husband.”

I saw that quote a few weeks ago and it really struck me. I’m glad it’s stuck in my head. I said it out loud to a couple of people and they just looked at me like I was crazy. Like, duh. And of course it sounds logical and Captain Obvious and all that – it always does, until you’re in the situation. Then we try to backtrack and justify and say, “We’re meant to be, we’re perfect, he/she married the wrong person the first time, it was always supposed to be us.”

But that’s just not true. Even with all of the people I know who are still married to the men/women with whom they had the affair. I can’t believe that it’s right.

I do believe that if you knew yourself and trusted yourself that maybe you would have been single when you met your “true” love, but I also know that if you’d been single you probably wouldn’t have felt that euphoric sense of belonging/appreciation/relief that you felt with the new person. Kudos to you for making it last, though.

To the married man that went too far on Saturday:

I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry for not trying harder to stop you. You will regret it forever, and I knew that. I told you that. I’m so sorry. I am broken, and now you are, too. You are good. You are STILL good. Do not let this corrode you from the inside; you are still a loving husband and father and teacher and person. Please, please, please be okay.

You didn’t have to walk me home.

I am fine on my own.

Always.

I am not stunning. You would have decided I’m not worth it, just like everyone does. So shiny, until I’m not.

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