Category Archives: truthbombs

this though.

Thank you for this comment:

“It’s taken years to put the nesting dolls of this breakup back together. And there are times when you’ve take it back apart to look at all the pieces again. But at some point you get faster with reassembling it. And at some point it sits on the shelf longer and longer before you pull it down again.
Here’s hoping you can soon move it to the top shelf where you can glance at it from afar to make room for other things closer to you. Like a momento from a trip taken long ago, where memories are there in the surrounding space of other souvenirs of adventures long ago.
Here’s hoping the picture frames on your shelf are soon filled with beautiful images of your current life: photos of those who love you, those you love, and times you cherish.”

Day by day by day by day.

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start with the dishes.

This has already changed my life. I can tell.

 

6 Insanely Popular Ways to Waste a Life

 

 

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can I do this again?

“Being beautiful is more than how many people you can get to look at you, or how others perceive you at a single glance.  It’s about what you live for.  It’s about what defines you.  It’s about the depth of your heart, and what makes you unique.  It’s about being who you are and living out your life honestly.  It’s about those little quirks that make you, you.  People who are only attracted to you because of your pretty face or nice body won’t stay by your side forever.  But the people who can see how beautiful your heart is will never leave you.”

 

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financial intimacy: a reblog + thoughts

Once we got engaged and the ring sat on my finger, it seemed that problems were not always handled effectively. One of us was compromising to the point we were dismissing potential landmines so that we could get married. It was about the wedding and getting through to that day so we could live blissfully ever after.

I would also add to this article from Be Like Water that financial collaboration and intimacy is unbelievably important even after accounts become joined, credit cards become shared, and incomes are combined. After my own divorce ended in a financial disaster for me, I have found that many, MANY people share my story. We trusted each other, we were both financially independent and secure when we entered into our marriage, and we were open with each other about every piece of debt, loans, open credit, etc. BUT that trust led to my own downfall – I didn’t keep checking our accounts, didn’t look at bills or make sure they were paid, didn’t check my credit or look at our taxes. We tried doing our budget together but since we both had such different ways of doing the physical budget (I like pen and paper, he liked Excel – my Excel spreadsheet went from top to bottom, his went from left to right) that I eventually entrusted the whole process to him. Like I said, we were both capable adults who had spent years in charge of our own finances – I thought I had no reason to double check everything.

So eventually I had no idea that our bills weren’t paid or our debts grew. I didn’t know he lost his job until the pharmacy told me I no longer had insurance. I thought we were fine. I knew we were on a budget, sure, but we still went out to eat with our friends and bought new things when we wanted them.

I didn’t realize our “$200” car repair actually cost us $2,000. I didn’t know that he added himself to an old credit card of mine and charged thousands of dollars to it. I didn’t know he spend hundreds of dollars buying everyone rounds of drinks at the bar each night.

I had already left him by the time I discovered all of the debt. I had no money to pay anything; my paycheck went into our joint account for which I didn’t even know the log-ins or passwords.

So my advice is this: even if you don’t check often, make sure you CAN check. I speak about this with all of my friends, clients…heck even friends of friends I’ve just met. People who say, “oh I’m bad with money, I just let [my partner] handle everything.” Or “he/she has me on a budget because I just don’t pay attention to that stuff.”  Make a note to check your accounts,  at least every quarter. I’m not accusing your partner of fraud or anything, I’m suggesting that he or she may get into a bind and think “well, I’ll pay the savings account back next month” or “I want her to have a good Christmas, I’ll put this on the credit card.”

If I had known how stretched we were financially I would have stopped spending money! I’m sure pride and depression and alcohol and the fear that he was losing me all contributed to my ex-husband not telling me what was going on. When I finally did leave I had no idea the mess that we were in financially.

But I honestly take some of the blame for our financial burden. By being lazy and stubborn (“fine! If your way is so much better, you can just do it!”), I put the entire responsibility on him. We should have been a team when it came to budgeting and spending. 

I am positive he thought he was doing the right thing to try to make me happy. Maybe at the end some of his spending was spiteful, but I am 100% it didn’t start out that way.

Pay attention. Be a team. And – I say this with the experience of many, many people I’ve met – protect yourself. I promise you, ALL of us at one point said, “that will never be me. My partner would never do that to me.” Please be safer and not sorry.

__

PS: Shout out to the many, many people who have helped me survive (literally) since that time. From the one buying me mac & cheese and SunChips in bulk at Costco (lived on that for months), to the one who let me live in her guest room for free, to the ones taking me out or to shows or to dinner, to the one replacing the broken things and sending me beauty for no reason other than believing I should have it. I may be living paycheck to paycheck, but I wouldn’t be here at all if it weren’t for the incredible people who have picked me up along the way. Which is a whole different blog: can we be friends with the people who save us? 

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faking it.

When we have a skill or talent that has come naturally we tend to discount its value.

Why is that? Well, we often hesitate to believe that what’s natural, maybe even easy for us, can offer any value to the world. In fact, the very act of being really good at something can lead us to discount its value.

Great article on the Impostor Syndrome in the NY Times. The way I’ve always dealt with – the way I tell all of my friends/clients/patients to deal with it – is that literally everyone feels this way. Everyone I know who isn’t a sociopath feels like they are faking it. So what is even the point of feeling that way? No one is looking to find you out. Just because it’s easy for you doesn’t make it less valuable. And lastly, as always, what’s the worst that could happen?

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A little afternoon wisdom:

“The near enemy of love is attachment. Attachment masquerades as love. It says, “I will love this person because I need them.” Or, “I’ll love you if you’ll love me back. I’ll love you, but only if you will be the way I want.” This isn’t love at all – it is attachment – and attachment is rigid, it is very different from love. When there is attachment, there is clinging and fear. Love allows, honors, and appreciates; attachment grasps, demands, needs, and aims to possess. Attachment is conditional, offers love only to certain people in certain ways; it is exclusive. Love, in the sense of metta, used by the Buddha, is a universal, non-discriminating feeling of caring and connectedness. We may even love those whom we may not approve of or like. We may not condone their behavior, but we cultivate forgiveness. Love is a powerful force that transforms any situation. It is not passive acquiescence. As the Buddha said, “Hatred never ceases through hatred. Hatred only ceases through love.” Love embraces all beings without exception, and discards ill will.”   -John Kornfield

Mind blowing beauty and real-life, tough-love lessons for this sometimes clingy woman. Attachment is fear, and fear is not love.

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truths.

“One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go – whether it’s guilt, anger, love or loss.  Change is never easy – you fight to hold on and you fight to let go.  But oftentimes letting go is the healthiest path forward.  It clears out toxic thoughts from the past.  You’ve got to emotionally free yourself from the things that once meant a lot to you, so you can move beyond the past and the pain it brings you.”

#truthbomb

“Cheating is a choice, not a mistake, and not an excuse!  If you decide to cheat, and you succeed in cheating someone out of something, don’t think that this person is a fool.  Realize that this person trusted you much more than you ever deserved.  Be bigger than that.  Don’t do immoral things simply because you can.  Don’t cheat.  Be honest with yourself and everyone else.  Do the right thing.  Integrity is the essence of everything successful.”

#truthbombtimestwo

From 12 Toxic Behaviors that Push People Away from You.

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