Tag Archives: cheating

ready for love

When I was married, I thought I was amazing. I mean, I was manic or hypomanic much of the time, so obviously I was amazing. But it’s more than that. I had men everywhere. Falling over themselves to be with me. If only I were single, they’d say. I’d say. If only. I had 3 proposals between the time I got engaged and the day I got married.

I thought I was amazing.

Then I left, thinking I’d be amazing forever.

And I realized, the only men that wanted me were men who would go after a married woman. I mean, yes, it was me they were after and sure, they might have wanted me if I were single. But I wasn’t single, and they still tried.

I didn’t want a man like that. As I realized it, I disappointed them. I was disappointed.

They were placeholders, and I hate it. Some of them knew it; I was safe because I was unattainable and I don’t think it really hurt them to know I wasn’t interested anymore. Some of them just bowed out as I pulled away.

The thing is. I’m a placeholder now. And it sucks, because I know what happens to placeholders.

I feel different than the girl on the side, somehow. Maybe because I’m not getting all that much out of it?

My thesis one day will be about cheating and affairs, I’m sure of it.

Anyway.

I’ve been a placeholder so many times. Just now naming it. You know. I was your placeholder.

I’m just that good at lurking in the darkness. Keeping secrets, being the confidante. Hiding. What is it that makes me keep doing it? Why do I settle for this place? Is it even settling? It can’t be. Somehow I must be seeking it. But why?

So tired of the dark. I want to love in the daylight. I want to BE loved in the daylight. I want to be FRIENDS in the daylight. I spend way too much time censoring names out of my conversations. “My friend.” “This friend.” “This guy I know.” “Oh you don’t know him.”

So tired.

 

 

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God will never.

I remember when this blog was halfway professional, but now it seems to just be a place I can scream without judgment. Which is a good thing, but it also makes me feel like a failure.

“God will never send you another woman’s husband.”

I saw that quote a few weeks ago and it really struck me. I’m glad it’s stuck in my head. I said it out loud to a couple of people and they just looked at me like I was crazy. Like, duh. And of course it sounds logical and Captain Obvious and all that – it always does, until you’re in the situation. Then we try to backtrack and justify and say, “We’re meant to be, we’re perfect, he/she married the wrong person the first time, it was always supposed to be us.”

But that’s just not true. Even with all of the people I know who are still married to the men/women with whom they had the affair. I can’t believe that it’s right.

I do believe that if you knew yourself and trusted yourself that maybe you would have been single when you met your “true” love, but I also know that if you’d been single you probably wouldn’t have felt that euphoric sense of belonging/appreciation/relief that you felt with the new person. Kudos to you for making it last, though.

To the married man that went too far on Saturday:

I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry for not trying harder to stop you. You will regret it forever, and I knew that. I told you that. I’m so sorry. I am broken, and now you are, too. You are good. You are STILL good. Do not let this corrode you from the inside; you are still a loving husband and father and teacher and person. Please, please, please be okay.

You didn’t have to walk me home.

I am fine on my own.

Always.

I am not stunning. You would have decided I’m not worth it, just like everyone does. So shiny, until I’m not.

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sidepiece.

It’s getting really difficult to not be the girl on the side.

For a long time, I was always someone’s sidepiece.

I liked it. So many men, so many wives. One me. No drama, no jealousy, just…us.

You can never lose as the girl on the side. He will always go back to his girlfriend/fiance/wife. It’s a given; he will never choose you in the end.

Which is the point.

It’s not rejection if you were never really there in the first place.

And it feels nice.

“My gf would never do that…”

“I wish my wife would do this…”

“You’re so sexy.”

“I want you.”

When no one is saying, “I love you,” it’s really easy to let “I want you” fill the gap.

I have a gap right now.

And I have the men.

Where is your girlfriend.

“What, I can’t flirt with you now?”

That’s what I thought.

“I want you.”

Oh how I want to be wanted. To curl up in that place where I’m needed, even if just for that. To feel the warmth of someone’s skin on mine, even for the night.

But I remind myself. That the gap is still there. In the morning. When he is gone.

That what I really want is someone to watch Netflix with me.

I remind myself what betrayal feels like.

I hate to say how hard it is to refuse to be the other woman. It should be easy! The right thing to do. But I have to remember, or else I forget.

Feeling good for a minute. Is it better than the alternative?

We’ve been down this road so many times.

Do it differently this time, girl.

You’re okay

watching Netflix

alone.

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Lucy.

Sometimes when you’ve made so many wrong decisions that you’d rather kill yourself than live one more minute being unable to change the past.

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truths.

“One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go – whether it’s guilt, anger, love or loss.  Change is never easy – you fight to hold on and you fight to let go.  But oftentimes letting go is the healthiest path forward.  It clears out toxic thoughts from the past.  You’ve got to emotionally free yourself from the things that once meant a lot to you, so you can move beyond the past and the pain it brings you.”

#truthbomb

“Cheating is a choice, not a mistake, and not an excuse!  If you decide to cheat, and you succeed in cheating someone out of something, don’t think that this person is a fool.  Realize that this person trusted you much more than you ever deserved.  Be bigger than that.  Don’t do immoral things simply because you can.  Don’t cheat.  Be honest with yourself and everyone else.  Do the right thing.  Integrity is the essence of everything successful.”

#truthbombtimestwo

From 12 Toxic Behaviors that Push People Away from You.

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