Tag Archives: depression

freakin weekend

I had the BEST weekend with my brothers. We are split all over the world so we don’t get to be together in one place very often. The last two times have been around Christmas, anyway, so it’s juggling a ton of family/friends/traditions/etc. This weekend was impromptu and completely obligation-free.

It was perfect.

They are so smart, so so hilarious. Way too cool for me…way too cool for a lot of people ha. I loved watching the way the middle one, the one who lives on the other side of the globe, liked to make the younger one laugh.

I loved that he is getting wrinkles around his eyes and they are the biggest laugh lines you could ever start to have at 29.

I loved getting to listen to them and our dad, saying the funniest things and dumbest dad-jokes and smartest commentary. They’re witty, but they’re more than witty. I can’t explain it, I wish I could because when I talk about how smart they are and how well-read they are and how much they remember and how much they know, they sound so boring. They’re the opposite of boring. They’re…I just don’t know. People who know them know they are lucky to have them. I know it times a million, because I know if I wasn’t related I’d never be cool enough to hang out with them. I’m definitely not as smart as them, I’ve always said that. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not dumb. But I think so differently than they do, and I don’t remember things like they do. I definitely don’t pay attention to or understand the world in the way they do.

Of course I hated to leave, and I’ve spiraled in the ensuing 24 hours.

While I was relishing the time with them I kept thinking, This is the kind of energy I want around me, why can’t I have them all the time, why can’t at least two of us be in the same place! Then I wondered what the man would look like who could fit in with these men.  Who is the man that I could bring home to them and be accepted and respected?

And then I suddenly realized. I don’t have that man – I won’t have that man – because I’m not smart like they are. I’ll never bring home someone who would fit in because that person won’t be interested in me. 

I haven’t laughed as much as I did this weekend in YEARS.

I want more.

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just a dull ache

Constant. Chronic. A dull, dull ache in my chest. In my heart. In my stomach.

So tired of crying over you.

So tired of loving you.

So tired of you loving me back but choosing a different life.

_____

There is not a soul in this world that would not be fine without me.

Tough pill to swallow.

I am no one’s person.

I would have thought I was, to several people, but everyone chooses a different life. One without me. Every single person.

_____

I’m honestly not sure how you can walk away and say you’d be upset if something happened to me. That doesn’t make sense. How would it actually affect you if you have chosen to walk away when I’m alive?

I don’t understand.

Every. Single. Person.

_____

A dull, dull ache that stabs sometimes. Constant. Chronic.

Overwhelming.

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oh wait

Little do you know
How I’m breaking while you fall asleep
Little do you know
I’m still haunted by the memories
Little do you know
I’m trying to pick myself up piece by piece

Little do you know
I need a little more time

Underneath it all I’m held captive by the hole inside
I’ve been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind
I’m ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight

Little do you know
I need a little more time

I’ll wait, I’ll wait
I love you like you’ve never felt the pain,
I’ll wait
I promise you don’t have to be afraid,
I’ll wait
The love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me

Little do you know
I know you’re hurting while I’m sound asleep
Little do you know
All my mistakes are slowly drowning me
Little do you know
I’m trying to make it better piece by piece

Little do you know
I, I love you ’til the sun dies

Oh wait, just wait
I love you like I’ve never felt the pain,
Just wait
I love you like I’ve never been afraid,
Just wait
Our love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me

I’ll wait , I’ll wait
I love you like you’ve never felt the pain,
I’ll wait
I promise you don’t have to be afraid,
I’ll wait
The love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me
Lay your head on me
So lay your head on me

‘Cause little do you know
I, I love you ’til the sun dies

_______________________________
It just never stops. Hurting.
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hypomania some more

Tired of living in this state.

So high. So irritated. So depressed. So angry.

Biggest week of the year. Missing the players from last year. Fantasizing she shows up. Avoiding him with all the willpower I can muster.

Do I walk funny?

 

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When the music dies and other such signs of depression

Repost from Dr. Psych Mom.

Lesser Known Signs of Depression: Can You Feel The Music? 

by Samantha Rodman (4.7.2016)

Many times, I work with clients who tell me that they aren’t depressed, and therefore won’t try medication or in any other way augment our work together, or even come into my office often enough to give me a true shot to help.  There are so many reasons that it is helpful to know that you’re depressed, including:

  • If you know you’re depressed, you realize you may be seeing things as more negative than they are
  • If you know you’re depressed, you realize the “problem” may not be your job, husband, kids, friends, etc, but that you are depressed and see everything as a problem
  • If you know you’re depressed, you may seriously reorganize your life, prioritize exercise, health, personal time, and so forth

But many people can look at the criteria for Major Depressive Disorder and not know if their symptoms exactly qualify.  So here is a list of some other “symptoms” of depression that you won’t see in a diagnostic manual, but that may resonate more with you.

  1. Music affects you differently.  You can’t listen to sad songs anymore because they make you cry, or you can’t listen to upbeat music because you find it boring.  Or else you have no desire to listen to music at all, even though you used to love it.
  2. You’re not as generous anymore.  You used to care about people’s troubles more, or you used to donate to charity.  Now you find yourself unmoved by the whole idea of charity or giving your precious spare time to listen to or to help your friends and family.  You’re looking out for number one.
  3. You don’t feel refreshed after sleeping.  You can sleep 12 hours and you still don’t wake up with a bounce in your step.  Or you can have a luxurious afternoon nap, and instead of it feeling luxurious, you feel like you were hit by a truck when you wake up.
  4. You don’t find things as funny.  You can’t remember the last time you laughed till tears came, or couldn’t restrain yourself from laughing.  If you watch a movie you used to find hilarious, you think it’s kind of stupid and you don’t remember why you even liked it so much.
  5. You are irritable.  This, along with anger, is actually a diagnostic criterion for depression, but it’s usually not one most people are aware of.  If everything your spouse does annoys you, and work seems to be filled with idiots, and your kids seem spoiled and ungrateful much of the time, this may be a red flag.
  6. Your relationship changes with food.  For many, food loses its appeal, and nothing tastes that awesome.  For others, food becomes the only bright spot in their day, and it is something to fantasize about.  Usually people with the latter extreme are suffering from atypical depression.
  7. Your body hurts.  Your back, joints, neck, or head hurts all the time, or your stomach is always unsettled.  You constantly feel, or state aloud, that you don’t feel well.  You’re almost relieved when you actually have a cold or even the flu, because finally there seems to be an actual reason that you always feel kind of sick.
  8. Your creativity tanks.  Some people are creative with crafts, others with cooking, others with cracking jokes, others with planning surprise day trips for their family.  Whatever your typical outlet is, it feels like your creative juices have dried up, and you can’t understand how you used to be filled with inspiration.
  9. You don’t feel romantic.  Many people with lower sex drives, like women with small kids, are used to feeling less easily aroused than they used to be.  But this is different.  Now, you don’t understand the need or reason for romance either, when you used to love it. Your husband finally brings home flowers and you don’t care.  Or your wife looks objectively nice and you can’t bring yourself to care or comment.
  10. Your kids aren’t cute anymore.  Well, they are objectively, you guess, but they don’t strike that same chord in your heart.  Or you may be a new mom and your baby strikes no chord in your heart, besides annoyance or anxiety.  If your kids don’t tug at your heartstrings, this is a sign something is wrong, and it’s usually not your deep fear that you’re actually just a cold person and parent.
  11. You give up on aspects of your life and your identity that used to be important to you.  Maybe you were always into fitness, but now you think spending your limited time exercising is dumb.  Or you used to entertain, and now it seems like too much work to clean and shop to host people you wouldn’t even really want to talk to.

My dad learned that his reading slows dramatically when he starts to get depressed – when the number of books that he flies through suddenly decreases in a week, he makes an appointment to see his therapist.

For me, it’s my friends that first point out that I’m “up” – the “when was the last time you ate?” question never stops, but it turns to “so for the past three days you’ve said you hadn’t slept last night…” or “wow you’re speaking quickly this morning!” or “so….when was the last time you took your meds?”

What are your personal signs that you may be sliding into a depression (or into mania)?

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no more memories.

Forgot my real journal.

Going up on the lamotrigine. Really pumped about it, only not that pumped b/c I’m super down.

Super.

I hate this time of year. Obviously I think we’ve caught on to that. Waiting on the upswing.

All of my best memories are with you.

^^^^Statements that are false. But you know when you’re sad and lonely how you can only think of one thing? That’s where I am.

“I want you to see it before anyone else.”

Why? Because you love me? Because you know I’ll be upset otherwise? Because old time’s sake?

I want to see it before anyone else. But I want it to be for me.

It’s not for me, is it?

I always hear the lyrics first. You? What do you hear?

I haven’t been hungry or full in a month or more. I eat when I shake, or when I realize I took meds without food and feel nauseated. It’s like my stomach went numb.

I talk about money too much. Fixated.

Selfish.

Things are terrible in the world and I am selfish.

All of my best memories are done. I feel like I haven’t made a memory in a year. Isn’t that weird? All of the memorable things I’ve done this year and I feel like I can’t remember them.

I barely remember anything. Cannot get up for work. Cannot work. But I love my work. But I’m not doing any work.

I need new music. The world needs new music. I cannot write music.

Cannot cannot cannot.

I think of things that I cannot do all day every day. Because I could have done them, if I’d learned or worked hard.

Even the things I could do, I can’t do anymore.

Who am I, if not a runner, or a dancer, or an actor, or a dog trainer, or the one who dresses nice and always look good for work?

Who even am I.

Sorry for this irrelevant stream of consciousness.

Someone write it in a song, because I cannot.

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I hate November.

[for the ones we’ve loved too much + lost too soon, all because of a past love that’s clouding their mind. oh, november and your way of breaking all our hearts]

how can i find my home
in the darkness of your mind
you talk of her too much to let it go easy
Will you Ever let go long enough to wAnt me?

oh, because i saw, bLack as a night, ocean’s abyss of her in your eyes
i saW it when you looked through me that night
i heArd it in the whispers between Your teeth,
heard it in the way you tried to Say that you loved me
heard it in your leaving, you were packing up your things
i should have known you didn’t want me
you never had room to want me

a FlickEring of innocEnt Light,
but a fire never burns all the way through a windy night
i can’t help but notice that you LOok so NicE
oh, and november’s chiLling my spine with his call

oh, because i saw, black as a night, ocean’s abYss of her In your eyes
i saw it wheN you looked Through me tHat night
i hEard it in the whispers between your teeth,
heArd it in the way yoU Tried to say that yoU loved me
heard it in your leaving, you were packing up your things
i should have known you didn’t want Me
you never had room to waNt me

(all of the lyrics, including capitalization choices, taken directly from Liza Anne’s website).

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Help?

What do you guys know about Effexor? What was your experience with it? I didn’t like it, but a friend was just prescribed it bc it’s “fast acting.” That’s not been my experience with it – you guys?? Thanks!!

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chest pain.

“That’s probably not true.”

Stabbing pains in the chest.

Love.

I can’t breathe.

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truth.

I will continue to ride the waves of madness
adapting and adjusting to the sea of life
I would never cut it short
Because I am the sailor
and this is my damn voyage.

From Breakdown.

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