Tag Archives: hope

this though.

Thank you for this comment:

“It’s taken years to put the nesting dolls of this breakup back together. And there are times when you’ve take it back apart to look at all the pieces again. But at some point you get faster with reassembling it. And at some point it sits on the shelf longer and longer before you pull it down again.
Here’s hoping you can soon move it to the top shelf where you can glance at it from afar to make room for other things closer to you. Like a momento from a trip taken long ago, where memories are there in the surrounding space of other souvenirs of adventures long ago.
Here’s hoping the picture frames on your shelf are soon filled with beautiful images of your current life: photos of those who love you, those you love, and times you cherish.”

Day by day by day by day.

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Newest Worst Thing

They’re on MY square. My hometown. The exact place I got engaged, at a festival I wanted to attend but I wasn’t in town.

Yes, I could stop stalking them.

And I do! For days at a time. And then I wake up and torture myself.

BUT guys.

I’m not so nauseated today. I honestly think he and I are moving on at the same time, same pace. And that’s a good, good thing (the timing, I mean). We had such a good conversation about everything not too long ago. I didn’t think there was anything left to talk about, but there was, and it helped. I guess.

Because I met someone. Someone normal, normal looking, age-appropriate, kind of wonderful and kind of an asshole (a good balance I promise), who does nice things and it doesn’t make me cringe, and to whom I am attracted.

It’s been two years and that has NEVER happened. People are nice to me and I run away. I like their minds but can’t stand the thought of anything physical. I want them physically but there’s nothing else there.

So maybe I’ve finally found my rebound?

The part that sucks is that he’s moving on with someone nearby, on my square, and I’m moving on with someone….who lives on the other side of the world. Three months from now he’ll leave this place, likely never to return. Fingers crossed it’s a rebound and not real feelings, please and thank you.

Oh my heart. Just get it together, already.

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upswinging

It’s funny, people asking me if I’m okay now that I finally feel okay.

One of my very best friends has found the love of his life. Or so he thinks. He also found Jesus. A few months ago, he found Jesus. After wanting to be a Youth Pastor when he was in college, to going to seminary, to realizing God is fucked up and church is fucked up and people in church are fucked up. Then a staunch atheist for a long long time. Then a quiet atheist. Then, Jesus.

But I haven’t seen Jesus in awhile, only his new girlfriend. Almost fiance. After a few weeks, he has bought the ring.

You’re an addict, dude. You’re addicted to something, always. To drugs, or alcohol, or me, or work, or Jesus, or her. I guess it’s not okay to say that, at least not before I’ve met her and not before he asks and not over text message.

I spend too much time thinking about loss. So many friends gone this year, but the choosing kind of gone. I know I’ve said it before. It’s just always there, the holes, and more added every day it seems like. It’s okay. I have new friends, or old friends who have stuck around, and I try to focus on them. I try to remember the holes I’ve left in other people’s lives. Try to convince myself I mattered to someone as much as these people matter to me.

I don’t even know her last name. Did she keep hers? Add his? Take his only?

She said Happy Birthday and some other kind and thoughtful things. I didn’t respond. What would I even say? What could I even want from her? And do I risk responding only to find that her message was just…a thing, and not an attempt to get me back.

I feel okay. It’s pretty cool. Of course I anticipate the upswing to keep going straight on to mania, but for now it’s awesome, and welcome.

Thanks, beach time last week! You put me on the right track.

 

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