Tag Archives: love

freakin weekend

I had the BEST weekend with my brothers. We are split all over the world so we don’t get to be together in one place very often. The last two times have been around Christmas, anyway, so it’s juggling a ton of family/friends/traditions/etc. This weekend was impromptu and completely obligation-free.

It was perfect.

They are so smart, so so hilarious. Way too cool for me…way too cool for a lot of people ha. I loved watching the way the middle one, the one who lives on the other side of the globe, liked to make the younger one laugh.

I loved that he is getting wrinkles around his eyes and they are the biggest laugh lines you could ever start to have at 29.

I loved getting to listen to them and our dad, saying the funniest things and dumbest dad-jokes and smartest commentary. They’re witty, but they’re more than witty. I can’t explain it, I wish I could because when I talk about how smart they are and how well-read they are and how much they remember and how much they know, they sound so boring. They’re the opposite of boring. They’re…I just don’t know. People who know them know they are lucky to have them. I know it times a million, because I know if I wasn’t related I’d never be cool enough to hang out with them. I’m definitely not as smart as them, I’ve always said that. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not dumb. But I think so differently than they do, and I don’t remember things like they do. I definitely don’t pay attention to or understand the world in the way they do.

Of course I hated to leave, and I’ve spiraled in the ensuing 24 hours.

While I was relishing the time with them I kept thinking, This is the kind of energy I want around me, why can’t I have them all the time, why can’t at least two of us be in the same place! Then I wondered what the man would look like who could fit in with these men.  Who is the man that I could bring home to them and be accepted and respected?

And then I suddenly realized. I don’t have that man – I won’t have that man – because I’m not smart like they are. I’ll never bring home someone who would fit in because that person won’t be interested in me. 

I haven’t laughed as much as I did this weekend in YEARS.

I want more.

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update

Newest worst thing about breaking up:

Watching him finally keep his promises to you…to someone else.

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just a dull ache

Constant. Chronic. A dull, dull ache in my chest. In my heart. In my stomach.

So tired of crying over you.

So tired of loving you.

So tired of you loving me back but choosing a different life.

_____

There is not a soul in this world that would not be fine without me.

Tough pill to swallow.

I am no one’s person.

I would have thought I was, to several people, but everyone chooses a different life. One without me. Every single person.

_____

I’m honestly not sure how you can walk away and say you’d be upset if something happened to me. That doesn’t make sense. How would it actually affect you if you have chosen to walk away when I’m alive?

I don’t understand.

Every. Single. Person.

_____

A dull, dull ache that stabs sometimes. Constant. Chronic.

Overwhelming.

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oh wait

Little do you know
How I’m breaking while you fall asleep
Little do you know
I’m still haunted by the memories
Little do you know
I’m trying to pick myself up piece by piece

Little do you know
I need a little more time

Underneath it all I’m held captive by the hole inside
I’ve been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind
I’m ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight

Little do you know
I need a little more time

I’ll wait, I’ll wait
I love you like you’ve never felt the pain,
I’ll wait
I promise you don’t have to be afraid,
I’ll wait
The love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me

Little do you know
I know you’re hurting while I’m sound asleep
Little do you know
All my mistakes are slowly drowning me
Little do you know
I’m trying to make it better piece by piece

Little do you know
I, I love you ’til the sun dies

Oh wait, just wait
I love you like I’ve never felt the pain,
Just wait
I love you like I’ve never been afraid,
Just wait
Our love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me

I’ll wait , I’ll wait
I love you like you’ve never felt the pain,
I’ll wait
I promise you don’t have to be afraid,
I’ll wait
The love is here and here to stay
So lay your head on me
Lay your head on me
So lay your head on me

‘Cause little do you know
I, I love you ’til the sun dies

_______________________________
It just never stops. Hurting.
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can I do this again?

“Being beautiful is more than how many people you can get to look at you, or how others perceive you at a single glance.  It’s about what you live for.  It’s about what defines you.  It’s about the depth of your heart, and what makes you unique.  It’s about being who you are and living out your life honestly.  It’s about those little quirks that make you, you.  People who are only attracted to you because of your pretty face or nice body won’t stay by your side forever.  But the people who can see how beautiful your heart is will never leave you.”

 

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walking

“it’s days like this i wish to be walking with his arms around me through the city streets feeling like i have love, not seeking or letting go or learning lessons or being content without.”

 

This is exactly what I was thinking this morning as I walked to work. It’s frozen here, and the Chrysler building is perfect, and I loved my first patient. And this is exactly what I was thinking.

(From romantic tuesday wakeup).

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ready for love

When I was married, I thought I was amazing. I mean, I was manic or hypomanic much of the time, so obviously I was amazing. But it’s more than that. I had men everywhere. Falling over themselves to be with me. If only I were single, they’d say. I’d say. If only. I had 3 proposals between the time I got engaged and the day I got married.

I thought I was amazing.

Then I left, thinking I’d be amazing forever.

And I realized, the only men that wanted me were men who would go after a married woman. I mean, yes, it was me they were after and sure, they might have wanted me if I were single. But I wasn’t single, and they still tried.

I didn’t want a man like that. As I realized it, I disappointed them. I was disappointed.

They were placeholders, and I hate it. Some of them knew it; I was safe because I was unattainable and I don’t think it really hurt them to know I wasn’t interested anymore. Some of them just bowed out as I pulled away.

The thing is. I’m a placeholder now. And it sucks, because I know what happens to placeholders.

I feel different than the girl on the side, somehow. Maybe because I’m not getting all that much out of it?

My thesis one day will be about cheating and affairs, I’m sure of it.

Anyway.

I’ve been a placeholder so many times. Just now naming it. You know. I was your placeholder.

I’m just that good at lurking in the darkness. Keeping secrets, being the confidante. Hiding. What is it that makes me keep doing it? Why do I settle for this place? Is it even settling? It can’t be. Somehow I must be seeking it. But why?

So tired of the dark. I want to love in the daylight. I want to BE loved in the daylight. I want to be FRIENDS in the daylight. I spend way too much time censoring names out of my conversations. “My friend.” “This friend.” “This guy I know.” “Oh you don’t know him.”

So tired.

 

 

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God will never.

I remember when this blog was halfway professional, but now it seems to just be a place I can scream without judgment. Which is a good thing, but it also makes me feel like a failure.

“God will never send you another woman’s husband.”

I saw that quote a few weeks ago and it really struck me. I’m glad it’s stuck in my head. I said it out loud to a couple of people and they just looked at me like I was crazy. Like, duh. And of course it sounds logical and Captain Obvious and all that – it always does, until you’re in the situation. Then we try to backtrack and justify and say, “We’re meant to be, we’re perfect, he/she married the wrong person the first time, it was always supposed to be us.”

But that’s just not true. Even with all of the people I know who are still married to the men/women with whom they had the affair. I can’t believe that it’s right.

I do believe that if you knew yourself and trusted yourself that maybe you would have been single when you met your “true” love, but I also know that if you’d been single you probably wouldn’t have felt that euphoric sense of belonging/appreciation/relief that you felt with the new person. Kudos to you for making it last, though.

To the married man that went too far on Saturday:

I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry for not trying harder to stop you. You will regret it forever, and I knew that. I told you that. I’m so sorry. I am broken, and now you are, too. You are good. You are STILL good. Do not let this corrode you from the inside; you are still a loving husband and father and teacher and person. Please, please, please be okay.

You didn’t have to walk me home.

I am fine on my own.

Always.

I am not stunning. You would have decided I’m not worth it, just like everyone does. So shiny, until I’m not.

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gross.

My coworker just taught me a Buddhist practice to combat what they call “attachment.” I’ve mentioned the concept of attachment before – that we mistake it often for love but it is really a poison in disguise. Attachment to anything – a person, belonging, idea, etc – overtakes our minds and often we obsess over the object of our attachment. For someone like me with clinically obsessive thoughts and a probably-clinical hatred of bodily functions….well, we’ll see how this goes.

ATTACHMENT
Definition: Exaggerated not wanting to be separated from someone or something. (Exact opposite of Aversion) Because the label of “pleasant” is very relative and based upon limited information, Attachment includes an aspect of exaggeration or “projection”.

Near “enemy” (or not to be confused with): Real appreciation, love and compassion.
Opposite: Wanting to be separated from someone or something: aversion.
Main quality: exaggeration of positive qualities, which can only lead to disappointment. Falling in love will usually fit very well in this category. (from View on Buddhism)

The practice my coworker was telling me about, in regards to attachment toward a person, consists of contemplation: sit and mediate on that thing that has such hold over your thoughts. Now think of all of the disgusting, feral aspects of that person. Imagine them without skin. See all of the sinews and blood and guts that make up their body. Think of mucus, of odor, of bowel movements and eye sockets.

I’m not kidding. This is a real practice (it came up because a patient down the hall has a disgusting hacking cough right now) and honestly, I guess I can see how it works. I’d like to know how permanent the images these meditation conjure would be….I don’t want to think of bodily fluids every time his name pops up on my phone. But then again, maybe I do, right?

Break the cycle. New associations. Turn my brain off of that thought and start the process of replacing it….I guess I can replace it with something else altogether once the initial obsession has broken. Maybe…emptiness? I don’t really have this Buddhism thing down…

HANDLING ATTACHMENT

One man can conquer a thousand times thousand men in battle,
but one who conquers himself is the greatest of conquerors.

The Dhammapada

The following antidotes can be applied throughout daily life, but are profound meditation exercises as well.

ANTIDOTE 1 – Observe Yourself: Do I exaggerate positive qualities of things I am attached to, are they really worth all my troubles? Is it really worth to work hard for days, weeks or months to have an hour of fun?

ANTIDOTE 2 – Use Your Inner Wisdom: Discover how exaggerated attachment is and how desire works against oneself. Try to be wiser than the monkey and let go of the candy to be free.

ANTIDOTE 3 – Reflect on the Unsatisfactory Nature of Existence. This is also called the First Noble Truth. How much fun is fun really, and how much is it forgetting the pain? Do desires ever stop or is it an endless job to fulfil them?

ANTIDOTE 4 – Reflect on Impermanence. How important is the person or object: everything will end someday, people die, things break.

ANTIDOTE 5 – Reflect on the Problems of Attachment. Lying in the sun is great, but it quickly leads to sunburn. Eating nice food is great, but it leads to indigestion and obesity. Driving around in big cars is great, but how long do I have to work to enjoy this?

ANTIDOTE 6 – Reflect on bodily attraction (lust for sex). Loving someone is great, but what happens when the “honeymoon-days” are over? But what is the body really? What more is it than a skin bag filled with bones, flesh, disgusting organs and fluids?

ANTIDOTE 7 – Reflect on the Results of Attachment. Greed and craving lead to stealing and all kinds of crime, including war. Addiction to alcohol and drugs are simply forms of strong craving; they destroy the addict and the surroundings. Uncontrolled lust leads to sexual abuse. The feeling of greed, craving and lust in themselves can be easily seen as forms of suffering.

ANTIDOTE 8 – Reflect on Death. What are all objects of attachment worth at “the moment of truth” or death?

ANTIDOTE 9 – Emptiness. The ultimate antidote to attachment and all other negative emotions is the realisation of emptiness.

Hmm.

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