Tag Archives: moving on

Newest Worst Thing

They’re on MY square. My hometown. The exact place I got engaged, at a festival I wanted to attend but I wasn’t in town.

Yes, I could stop stalking them.

And I do! For days at a time. And then I wake up and torture myself.

BUT guys.

I’m not so nauseated today. I honestly think he and I are moving on at the same time, same pace. And that’s a good, good thing (the timing, I mean). We had such a good conversation about everything not too long ago. I didn’t think there was anything left to talk about, but there was, and it helped. I guess.

Because I met someone. Someone normal, normal looking, age-appropriate, kind of wonderful and kind of an asshole (a good balance I promise), who does nice things and it doesn’t make me cringe, and to whom I am attracted.

It’s been two years and that has NEVER happened. People are nice to me and I run away. I like their minds but can’t stand the thought of anything physical. I want them physically but there’s nothing else there.

So maybe I’ve finally found my rebound?

The part that sucks is that he’s moving on with someone nearby, on my square, and I’m moving on with someone….who lives on the other side of the world. Three months from now he’ll leave this place, likely never to return. Fingers crossed it’s a rebound and not real feelings, please and thank you.

Oh my heart. Just get it together, already.

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a new way to handle infant loss

So dang important. As a hospital social worker I faced this horrible situation way too often – the middle of the night, a groggy chaplain, teams of residents and nurses silently sobbing, the cries of a mother’s grief that don’t even sound human.

There’s no way to ease the pain they’re feeling, the ongoing grief they’ll feel…the going home to a finished nursery or the telling of friends or the baby gifts they won’t get to use. For some reason one of the most vivid images I have is of sitting in the room holding a mom and looking over to the table where this expensive camera sat, waiting to take pictures of a newborn…a toddler…the first day of kindergarten….it was awful.

We try to give the family as much time as they need with their child, with their little family that won’t ever leave this hospital. But this article is right: 2-4 hours often isn’t enough. In fact, the first couple of hours the mother may even refuse to see the child, saying she can’t do it. But most of the time she changes her mind, and we try to anticipate it – keeping the baby in another room until mom is ready. We take footprints even when mom says she doesn’t want to see them, create a memory box just in case. Sometimes family takes it and we hear later that mom/dad were so grateful later on when they had these keepsakes. I love this idea of slowing down, of letting the family have extra time to make decisions. We try to never tell the family there is a time limit, and honestly my families rarely use the whole time we’ve given them….but I think if the staff knew we had extra time we could aid in this slowing down process rather than feel the pressure of the clock and worry that we’d have to tell the family it’s time to physically let the child go.

I love these little suggestions, the colorful blanket or the recording family members. But this….this has changed the way I will handle infant loss forever:

It’s all about taking the time to say hello to their child before saying goodbye.

What a profound and incredible statement. Thank you, Megan, for the work you do and for taking time to share it with us.

Mandy Maneval faced infertility for years. Finally, three years ago, she became pregnant with twins. At a routine ultra sound, she was faced with the news that Aaron was lost at 20 weeks. Her little girl, Abigail (Abby), was healthy.

At 30 weeks, Mandy went into labor. She called her sister, Megan Shellenberger, a nurse at Penn State Milton S. Hershey Medical Center, located in Hershey, Pennsylvania. Megan spends most of her time working in labor and delivery, and she was quick to reassure Mandy that everything would be O.K.

Suspecting that baby Abigail had a heart defect, Mandy came to Penn State Milton S. Hershey Medical Center, the home of a leading neonatal cardiologist. The physicians were able to stop Mandy’s labor, but she would remain an inpatient until delivering Abby at 35 weeks.

Abby was born with two very complex heart defects. So rare, that her doctors described it…

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gross.

My coworker just taught me a Buddhist practice to combat what they call “attachment.” I’ve mentioned the concept of attachment before – that we mistake it often for love but it is really a poison in disguise. Attachment to anything – a person, belonging, idea, etc – overtakes our minds and often we obsess over the object of our attachment. For someone like me with clinically obsessive thoughts and a probably-clinical hatred of bodily functions….well, we’ll see how this goes.

ATTACHMENT
Definition: Exaggerated not wanting to be separated from someone or something. (Exact opposite of Aversion) Because the label of “pleasant” is very relative and based upon limited information, Attachment includes an aspect of exaggeration or “projection”.

Near “enemy” (or not to be confused with): Real appreciation, love and compassion.
Opposite: Wanting to be separated from someone or something: aversion.
Main quality: exaggeration of positive qualities, which can only lead to disappointment. Falling in love will usually fit very well in this category. (from View on Buddhism)

The practice my coworker was telling me about, in regards to attachment toward a person, consists of contemplation: sit and mediate on that thing that has such hold over your thoughts. Now think of all of the disgusting, feral aspects of that person. Imagine them without skin. See all of the sinews and blood and guts that make up their body. Think of mucus, of odor, of bowel movements and eye sockets.

I’m not kidding. This is a real practice (it came up because a patient down the hall has a disgusting hacking cough right now) and honestly, I guess I can see how it works. I’d like to know how permanent the images these meditation conjure would be….I don’t want to think of bodily fluids every time his name pops up on my phone. But then again, maybe I do, right?

Break the cycle. New associations. Turn my brain off of that thought and start the process of replacing it….I guess I can replace it with something else altogether once the initial obsession has broken. Maybe…emptiness? I don’t really have this Buddhism thing down…

HANDLING ATTACHMENT

One man can conquer a thousand times thousand men in battle,
but one who conquers himself is the greatest of conquerors.

The Dhammapada

The following antidotes can be applied throughout daily life, but are profound meditation exercises as well.

ANTIDOTE 1 – Observe Yourself: Do I exaggerate positive qualities of things I am attached to, are they really worth all my troubles? Is it really worth to work hard for days, weeks or months to have an hour of fun?

ANTIDOTE 2 – Use Your Inner Wisdom: Discover how exaggerated attachment is and how desire works against oneself. Try to be wiser than the monkey and let go of the candy to be free.

ANTIDOTE 3 – Reflect on the Unsatisfactory Nature of Existence. This is also called the First Noble Truth. How much fun is fun really, and how much is it forgetting the pain? Do desires ever stop or is it an endless job to fulfil them?

ANTIDOTE 4 – Reflect on Impermanence. How important is the person or object: everything will end someday, people die, things break.

ANTIDOTE 5 – Reflect on the Problems of Attachment. Lying in the sun is great, but it quickly leads to sunburn. Eating nice food is great, but it leads to indigestion and obesity. Driving around in big cars is great, but how long do I have to work to enjoy this?

ANTIDOTE 6 – Reflect on bodily attraction (lust for sex). Loving someone is great, but what happens when the “honeymoon-days” are over? But what is the body really? What more is it than a skin bag filled with bones, flesh, disgusting organs and fluids?

ANTIDOTE 7 – Reflect on the Results of Attachment. Greed and craving lead to stealing and all kinds of crime, including war. Addiction to alcohol and drugs are simply forms of strong craving; they destroy the addict and the surroundings. Uncontrolled lust leads to sexual abuse. The feeling of greed, craving and lust in themselves can be easily seen as forms of suffering.

ANTIDOTE 8 – Reflect on Death. What are all objects of attachment worth at “the moment of truth” or death?

ANTIDOTE 9 – Emptiness. The ultimate antidote to attachment and all other negative emotions is the realisation of emptiness.

Hmm.

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