Tag Archives: relationships

just a dull ache

Constant. Chronic. A dull, dull ache in my chest. In my heart. In my stomach.

So tired of crying over you.

So tired of loving you.

So tired of you loving me back but choosing a different life.

_____

There is not a soul in this world that would not be fine without me.

Tough pill to swallow.

I am no one’s person.

I would have thought I was, to several people, but everyone chooses a different life. One without me. Every single person.

_____

I’m honestly not sure how you can walk away and say you’d be upset if something happened to me. That doesn’t make sense. How would it actually affect you if you have chosen to walk away when I’m alive?

I don’t understand.

Every. Single. Person.

_____

A dull, dull ache that stabs sometimes. Constant. Chronic.

Overwhelming.

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can I do this again?

“Being beautiful is more than how many people you can get to look at you, or how others perceive you at a single glance.  It’s about what you live for.  It’s about what defines you.  It’s about the depth of your heart, and what makes you unique.  It’s about being who you are and living out your life honestly.  It’s about those little quirks that make you, you.  People who are only attracted to you because of your pretty face or nice body won’t stay by your side forever.  But the people who can see how beautiful your heart is will never leave you.”

 

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walking

“it’s days like this i wish to be walking with his arms around me through the city streets feeling like i have love, not seeking or letting go or learning lessons or being content without.”

 

This is exactly what I was thinking this morning as I walked to work. It’s frozen here, and the Chrysler building is perfect, and I loved my first patient. And this is exactly what I was thinking.

(From romantic tuesday wakeup).

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ready for love

When I was married, I thought I was amazing. I mean, I was manic or hypomanic much of the time, so obviously I was amazing. But it’s more than that. I had men everywhere. Falling over themselves to be with me. If only I were single, they’d say. I’d say. If only. I had 3 proposals between the time I got engaged and the day I got married.

I thought I was amazing.

Then I left, thinking I’d be amazing forever.

And I realized, the only men that wanted me were men who would go after a married woman. I mean, yes, it was me they were after and sure, they might have wanted me if I were single. But I wasn’t single, and they still tried.

I didn’t want a man like that. As I realized it, I disappointed them. I was disappointed.

They were placeholders, and I hate it. Some of them knew it; I was safe because I was unattainable and I don’t think it really hurt them to know I wasn’t interested anymore. Some of them just bowed out as I pulled away.

The thing is. I’m a placeholder now. And it sucks, because I know what happens to placeholders.

I feel different than the girl on the side, somehow. Maybe because I’m not getting all that much out of it?

My thesis one day will be about cheating and affairs, I’m sure of it.

Anyway.

I’ve been a placeholder so many times. Just now naming it. You know. I was your placeholder.

I’m just that good at lurking in the darkness. Keeping secrets, being the confidante. Hiding. What is it that makes me keep doing it? Why do I settle for this place? Is it even settling? It can’t be. Somehow I must be seeking it. But why?

So tired of the dark. I want to love in the daylight. I want to BE loved in the daylight. I want to be FRIENDS in the daylight. I spend way too much time censoring names out of my conversations. “My friend.” “This friend.” “This guy I know.” “Oh you don’t know him.”

So tired.

 

 

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God will never.

I remember when this blog was halfway professional, but now it seems to just be a place I can scream without judgment. Which is a good thing, but it also makes me feel like a failure.

“God will never send you another woman’s husband.”

I saw that quote a few weeks ago and it really struck me. I’m glad it’s stuck in my head. I said it out loud to a couple of people and they just looked at me like I was crazy. Like, duh. And of course it sounds logical and Captain Obvious and all that – it always does, until you’re in the situation. Then we try to backtrack and justify and say, “We’re meant to be, we’re perfect, he/she married the wrong person the first time, it was always supposed to be us.”

But that’s just not true. Even with all of the people I know who are still married to the men/women with whom they had the affair. I can’t believe that it’s right.

I do believe that if you knew yourself and trusted yourself that maybe you would have been single when you met your “true” love, but I also know that if you’d been single you probably wouldn’t have felt that euphoric sense of belonging/appreciation/relief that you felt with the new person. Kudos to you for making it last, though.

To the married man that went too far on Saturday:

I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry for not trying harder to stop you. You will regret it forever, and I knew that. I told you that. I’m so sorry. I am broken, and now you are, too. You are good. You are STILL good. Do not let this corrode you from the inside; you are still a loving husband and father and teacher and person. Please, please, please be okay.

You didn’t have to walk me home.

I am fine on my own.

Always.

I am not stunning. You would have decided I’m not worth it, just like everyone does. So shiny, until I’m not.

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financial intimacy: a reblog + thoughts

Once we got engaged and the ring sat on my finger, it seemed that problems were not always handled effectively. One of us was compromising to the point we were dismissing potential landmines so that we could get married. It was about the wedding and getting through to that day so we could live blissfully ever after.

I would also add to this article from Be Like Water that financial collaboration and intimacy is unbelievably important even after accounts become joined, credit cards become shared, and incomes are combined. After my own divorce ended in a financial disaster for me, I have found that many, MANY people share my story. We trusted each other, we were both financially independent and secure when we entered into our marriage, and we were open with each other about every piece of debt, loans, open credit, etc. BUT that trust led to my own downfall – I didn’t keep checking our accounts, didn’t look at bills or make sure they were paid, didn’t check my credit or look at our taxes. We tried doing our budget together but since we both had such different ways of doing the physical budget (I like pen and paper, he liked Excel – my Excel spreadsheet went from top to bottom, his went from left to right) that I eventually entrusted the whole process to him. Like I said, we were both capable adults who had spent years in charge of our own finances – I thought I had no reason to double check everything.

So eventually I had no idea that our bills weren’t paid or our debts grew. I didn’t know he lost his job until the pharmacy told me I no longer had insurance. I thought we were fine. I knew we were on a budget, sure, but we still went out to eat with our friends and bought new things when we wanted them.

I didn’t realize our “$200” car repair actually cost us $2,000. I didn’t know that he added himself to an old credit card of mine and charged thousands of dollars to it. I didn’t know he spend hundreds of dollars buying everyone rounds of drinks at the bar each night.

I had already left him by the time I discovered all of the debt. I had no money to pay anything; my paycheck went into our joint account for which I didn’t even know the log-ins or passwords.

So my advice is this: even if you don’t check often, make sure you CAN check. I speak about this with all of my friends, clients…heck even friends of friends I’ve just met. People who say, “oh I’m bad with money, I just let [my partner] handle everything.” Or “he/she has me on a budget because I just don’t pay attention to that stuff.”  Make a note to check your accounts,  at least every quarter. I’m not accusing your partner of fraud or anything, I’m suggesting that he or she may get into a bind and think “well, I’ll pay the savings account back next month” or “I want her to have a good Christmas, I’ll put this on the credit card.”

If I had known how stretched we were financially I would have stopped spending money! I’m sure pride and depression and alcohol and the fear that he was losing me all contributed to my ex-husband not telling me what was going on. When I finally did leave I had no idea the mess that we were in financially.

But I honestly take some of the blame for our financial burden. By being lazy and stubborn (“fine! If your way is so much better, you can just do it!”), I put the entire responsibility on him. We should have been a team when it came to budgeting and spending. 

I am positive he thought he was doing the right thing to try to make me happy. Maybe at the end some of his spending was spiteful, but I am 100% it didn’t start out that way.

Pay attention. Be a team. And – I say this with the experience of many, many people I’ve met – protect yourself. I promise you, ALL of us at one point said, “that will never be me. My partner would never do that to me.” Please be safer and not sorry.

__

PS: Shout out to the many, many people who have helped me survive (literally) since that time. From the one buying me mac & cheese and SunChips in bulk at Costco (lived on that for months), to the one who let me live in her guest room for free, to the ones taking me out or to shows or to dinner, to the one replacing the broken things and sending me beauty for no reason other than believing I should have it. I may be living paycheck to paycheck, but I wouldn’t be here at all if it weren’t for the incredible people who have picked me up along the way. Which is a whole different blog: can we be friends with the people who save us? 

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I hate November.

[for the ones we’ve loved too much + lost too soon, all because of a past love that’s clouding their mind. oh, november and your way of breaking all our hearts]

how can i find my home
in the darkness of your mind
you talk of her too much to let it go easy
Will you Ever let go long enough to wAnt me?

oh, because i saw, bLack as a night, ocean’s abyss of her in your eyes
i saW it when you looked through me that night
i heArd it in the whispers between Your teeth,
heard it in the way you tried to Say that you loved me
heard it in your leaving, you were packing up your things
i should have known you didn’t want me
you never had room to want me

a FlickEring of innocEnt Light,
but a fire never burns all the way through a windy night
i can’t help but notice that you LOok so NicE
oh, and november’s chiLling my spine with his call

oh, because i saw, black as a night, ocean’s abYss of her In your eyes
i saw it wheN you looked Through me tHat night
i hEard it in the whispers between your teeth,
heArd it in the way yoU Tried to say that yoU loved me
heard it in your leaving, you were packing up your things
i should have known you didn’t want Me
you never had room to waNt me

(all of the lyrics, including capitalization choices, taken directly from Liza Anne’s website).

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monday.

Lately everything I try to say I find has already been said but in much better words. Came here to post, and at the top of my feed was this post from Michelle Bloom. Amazing words of truth and growth.

 just because a relationship ends or is messy and hurtful, does not mean it was wrong, does not mean your instincts were off.  we are not just here to experience happily ever after.  that’s the lie.  we are here to engage in messy mistake ridden unions so that we learn how to love better.  every man i have loved, i have loved with all my heart.  and when i broke it off or he did, it’s cause it was not right to continue.  it was not a mistake.  there is only the feeling of mistake.  and this feeling is to be used to grow.

Grateful someone else is pondering things on this chilly October day – a beautiful chill here in NYC. Beautiful, painful, chill.

“I don’t want to fake my way into it or try to make it happen with a crumb giver, anymore.”

Truth. A crumb is better than nothing except that it isn’t.

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sidepiece.

It’s getting really difficult to not be the girl on the side.

For a long time, I was always someone’s sidepiece.

I liked it. So many men, so many wives. One me. No drama, no jealousy, just…us.

You can never lose as the girl on the side. He will always go back to his girlfriend/fiance/wife. It’s a given; he will never choose you in the end.

Which is the point.

It’s not rejection if you were never really there in the first place.

And it feels nice.

“My gf would never do that…”

“I wish my wife would do this…”

“You’re so sexy.”

“I want you.”

When no one is saying, “I love you,” it’s really easy to let “I want you” fill the gap.

I have a gap right now.

And I have the men.

Where is your girlfriend.

“What, I can’t flirt with you now?”

That’s what I thought.

“I want you.”

Oh how I want to be wanted. To curl up in that place where I’m needed, even if just for that. To feel the warmth of someone’s skin on mine, even for the night.

But I remind myself. That the gap is still there. In the morning. When he is gone.

That what I really want is someone to watch Netflix with me.

I remind myself what betrayal feels like.

I hate to say how hard it is to refuse to be the other woman. It should be easy! The right thing to do. But I have to remember, or else I forget.

Feeling good for a minute. Is it better than the alternative?

We’ve been down this road so many times.

Do it differently this time, girl.

You’re okay

watching Netflix

alone.

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